IT'S WEEK 5, and I need help.
I'm 2-2 and 1-3 in my two leagues. Ideally, a quarterback or wide receiver needs to step up.
That's why I was encouraged when I learned that former Texas Tech wide receiver Michael Crabtree finally signed with San Francisco. Now, because of the timing of the 49ers' bye week, Crabtree won't be able to play until the end of the month. But he's not the guy I was counting on to help me.
I need MC Hammer to lend his magic touch to my rosters.
The detail about Crabtree's negotiations that drives nuts like me crazy is that evidently Hammer was on hand for the talks with 49ers ownership.
Not part of the negotiations. Just present for whatever happened, because he's a friend of Crabtree's agent. Like a baggy-pantsed guardian angel.
My evil twin brother Orville rattled off a list of other old-school rappers who could invade the NFL:
What if Vanilla Ice started coaching the Detroit Lions? Ice Cube became head of officiating? The Beastie Boys became the "Monday Night Football" announcing crew? Dr. Dre did Dr. Pepper commercials?
I told Orville to quit with his roll call before I started freestyling over the "Monday Night Football" theme song.
Now, on to the picks! Please note: Picks are guaranteed to be too legit to quit.
QB: If Donovan McNabb is healthy, he's going to elevate his play against the Bucs like he's trying to prove he doesn't want to be traded to the Rams.
RB: Jacksonville is making a long haul to Seattle, but a rejuvenated Maurice Jones-Drew will bring the leverage against the SeaTurkeys.
WR: Take Steve Smith. Sorry, Panthers fans. Not Carolina's Steve Smith. Take the one who catches stuff from Eli Manning in New Jersey. Besides, the Giants are playing host to the super-dope homeboys from Oaktown.
DEF: Yes, Baltimore is the No. 1 rushing defense, but it's merely 23rd in passing defense. But they're at home, where they won't give the Bengals time to throw.
QB: You would think Matt Ryan would be prepared off a bye week to play host against San Francisco. You'd be wrong.
RB: Is Joseph Addai being phased out of the Colts offense? If you don't think so, gamble with him against the woeful Titans. I won't.
WR: Sure, Calvin Johnson can pile up the yards, but when will Detroit soften its team rules to allow him to score touchdowns?
DEF: The Jets are No. 4 in total defense, but only No. 13 against the run. On the road in Miami on Monday night, they're going to give up mad Wildcat yardage.
BYE BABIES: Chargers, Bears, Packers, Saints
LAST WEEK: Greg 3-1, Orville 1-3
TO DATE: Greg 12-4, Orville 11-5
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"If a media mogul like Rush Limbaugh can be in position to own the St. Louis Rams, I see no reason why Greg shouldn't at least be allowed to lease the Columbia Blowfish with an option to buy."
Greg's Power Rankings appear each Monday on ESPN.com. Get crabby at Twitter.com/HardyVision.