Guesspert: Browns should double-check fertilizers

NFL GuesspertNovember 14, 2009 

DID YOU EVER see George Clooney's old-timey football movie that he filmed in the Upstate, called "Leatherheads"?

The film opens in the 1920s at a location typical for a pro football game during that era: a cow pasture.

I had a flashback to those images after Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis criticized coach Eric Mangini by using farm metaphors:

"We're just the crop. You've got to take care of your crop. If you don't take care of your crop, when it comes time to harvest, you're not going to make no money because the crop ain't no good."

We all know the Browns are knee-deep in pig slop with a 1-7 record.

But if you're wondering how far they're setting back the sport in Cleveland, there's your answer. An NFL team sees itself in 19th century agrarian terms. I know football is supposed to be down and dirty, but this is ridiculous.

Lewis was trying to explain that his coach is working players too hard in practice and that they're exhausted come game time Sunday. But can they try coming up with something a little more high-tech next time? Like, "If he wants a better iPhone, he better make sure all his players are the latest applications."

My evil twin brother Orville wasn't a fan of Lewis' analogy that Cleveland football is an agricultural product. "Next thing you know, the Browns will petition the government for a subsidy to be paid not to give us their crop at all."

Maybe we should give up on the NFL and stick with college players. We can call them the FFA - Future Footballers of America. To the picks!

Guesspert's Glad Tidings

QB: Peyton Manning will prove he's no hayseed against the Pats' defense.

RB: Ray Rice is going to show the Browns what a successful crop looks like.

WR: Sidney Rice is going to show ... oh, wait, I just told that joke. But he's playing Detroit, so he'll be all right.

DEFENSE: The Ravens are going to plant some Browns in the ground, that's for sure.

Evilpert's Bad News

QB: If Cleveland Browns players are a crop, Brady Quinn is a pesticide.

RB: I have to start someone named Justin Fargas. But his Raiders are playing the Chiefs, so I might have a chance to turn a whole five points.

WR: Ted Ginn Jr. might return some kickoffs for touchdowns against the Bucs. Too bad my league doesn't count special teams points for individuals.

DEFENSE: A week after they got mowed down by the Bucs, the Packers return to the Frozen Tundra - where they won't find friendly soil against the Cowboys.

BYE BABIES: Giants, Texans

LAST WEEK: Greg 1-3, Orville 3-1

SEASON TO DATE: Greg 26-10, Orville 21-15

ORVILLE'S LAST WORD

"Chad Ochocinco is in trouble for flashing cash at a ref. That not funny, Ocho. Where do you think you're playing, the SEC?"

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ESPN.com runs Greg's Power Rankings each Monday. Get your hands dirty at Twitter.com/HardyVision.

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