Next it will be in 3-D? We need a TV time-out

Sports GuesspertJanuary 9, 2010 

PEOPLE TALK ABOUT newspapers being a dying medium. Well, I've got a communication platform that's about to be deader than our forests of dead trees.

I'm talking TV. You might as well drag your new 72-inch flat screen by the curb for the garbagemen to haul away.

Conan O'Brien, I feel your red-headed pain. But this goes beyond the way NBC is yanking around its late-night lineup.For everyone who makes a living in 2-D TV, your days are numbered.

Here comes 3-D TV.

Right now, you've heard we're in the "Hey, 3-D TVs will hit the stores this summer!" phase. But you know the drill.

Next comes the technology format wars. Then the price wars. Then you move your old state-of-the-art TVs into the kids' room. Then comes the "How much do we shell out for our first one?" pocketbook debates.

Finally there's the "I can't believe how much we paid for that last month, and now they have a sale where better 3-D TVs are available for half what we paid" torture.

It's when we're comfortable with the set we have, and the designer glasses we had to buy to make the effects work, and the subscription packages for the best 3-D programming, and we've bought the digitally remastered "Godfather Trilogy in 3-D!" collector's set when our technogeek overlords will introduce the next-wave TV format.

Call me crazy - but please, for the love of "The New Adventures of Old Christine," can we wait a decade or two until 3-D TV invades our homes?

I'm a guy who barely figured out how to connect a speaker system to the 780p, 32-inch screen I got for Christmas. It's a major blow to the ego to realize that someone who studied harder than I did in college has got me beat to the point where he had the technological savvy to invent 3-D TV while I'm doing cartwheels that I finally got to watch Ben Roethlisberger get sacked in high-def.

Unlike my evil twin brother Orville, I learned right and wrong when I was a kid from the movie "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." And I was one of those nerds who took to heart the lesson that Mike TeaVee was a little twerp who deserved to be beamed into oblivion. Or at least got his comeuppance from getting shrunk into the size of a chocolate bar. Or however the heck that ended up. A steady diet of TV junk food has obviously rotted my brain.

Besides, how is life supposed to be better with 3-D TV? I'm going to free-associate some of the great TV moments of my lifetime, and ask you how they're supposed to be improved by being in 3-D:

[] Starting with Thursday night: What if we were watching Nick Saban get that Gatorade jug thrown into his skull as the Crimson Tide won the BCS title game? Those angry laser beams that came out of his eye sockets could have singed my haircut.

[] Super Bowls in 3-D might be fun, but too many Patriots fans would have broken their necks trying to knock that catch out of David Tyree's hands.

[] If kids could watch The Three Stooges in 3-D, expect emergency rooms to be full of poked-out eyeballs every Saturday morning.

[] The NBA in 3-D: Yes, watching the Lakers win the playoffs would be fantastic. But "Malice at the Palace" would be closer than I'd want to get to Ron Artest.

[] "Saturday Night Live in 3-D": In honor of the "10-minutes til 1 a.m. sketch that's never funny," they should always broadcast that in 2-D.

[] The PapaJohns.com Bowl in 3-D: Not only would Gamecocks fans see a lousy game against UConn. But the "3" would felt like the game-time temperature in degrees.

[] "Three's Company in 3-D": It's either that or "My Three Sons in 3-D."

[] "Seinfeld 3-D": Helloooooooo, Newman, Newman and Newman.

[] This tells you all you need to know about the 21st century - you'll be able to watch college football in 3-D before you'll be able to see a college football playoff.

ORVILLE'S LAST WORD

"Texas Longhorns fans, don't think of the BCS title game as when you lost your quarterback ... think of it as you were resting your starters."

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