TheState.com: Sports Guesspert

Guesspert: Favre shows joy of six

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 00:59 EDT

It’s usually not my style to brag about things in the NFL that happened last weekend, but in this case I’m making an exception.

Can you believe Brett Favre threw six touchdowns against the Cardinals?

Congrats if you had him in your starting lineup. I didn’t; and more importantly, I wasn’t playing against someone who could have sprung about 40 fantasy points on my butt. As it is, I’m not even traumatized that I had letJerricho Cotchery go on the waiver wire about four days before.

So while Brett and the Jets take a bye week, let me rattle off a few other things that make NFL Sundays nice when you have six of them:

• A six-pack of course. Since it’s November, I’ll take Samuel Adams Octoberfest.

Guesspert: When times are bad, just color me bad

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 17:36 EDT

WHEN YOU NEED a lift, sometimes you just have to take out the laundry.

Look at the University of Georgia. Last year they gave themselves a vital boost down the back end of the season when for the first time in memory they broke out the black uniforms against Auburn. Result: a 45-20 blowout, and the Bulldogs rolled along the rest of the year to end with a No. 2 ranking.

This weekend, No. 3 Georgia has promised to bust out the black unis again when No. 8 Alabama arrives in Athens. For all of Sanford Stadium, the buzz word is “blackout” — as in everyone in the stands will be wearing black. (Here’s a tip for anyone who accidentally wears a white shirt to the game: Just turn it inside out, and you’ll blend in fine the rest of the night, I promise).

My evil twin brother Orville has the icing on the cake for when the Bulldogs get ready to run out of the tunnel. He says the replay board operators should cue up the scene from “Spinal Tap” when Christopher Guest's Nigel Tufnel utters his famous musing about his new album cover that he had just discovered is nothing but inky abyss:

“It’s like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.”

Guesspert: Here’s a silent partner in your writing career

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 00:45 EDT

FOR ANY ASPIRING writers out there, I can offer you these two examples of sound, time-tested advice on how to go pro.

The first is “Write what you know.” The second is “Make sure your parents are prepared to lend you lots of money.”

I bring this up this because my evil twin brother Orville and I attended a question and answer appearance by filmmaker Kevin “Silent Bob” Smith at the Koger Center on Wednesday night.

For four hours, the hefty writer-director-actor of “Clerks,” “Mallrats” and “Chasing Amy” talked with his fans about life, love, movies and toilet bowls that he’s inadvertently broken.

If you’ve watched any of the “An Evening With Kevin Smith” DVDs, you know that these events inevitably lend themselves to awestruck fanboys asking how they can break into the writing biz.

Guesspert; No lyin’: Detroit makes me dumb

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 00:27 EDT

SOMEBODY PLEASE PUNCH me in the face.

Someone other than my evil twin brother Orville, who tries to get away with that all the time, even when he doesn’t have a reason.

But here’s the reason I need to be punched in the face: I got burned for believing in the Detroit Lions.

I entered one of those “Eliminator League” contests. Maybe you’ve heard them called “win or die” pools. The point is, each week you pick one guaranteed-lock winner in an NFL game — with the catch that you can’t pick that winning team again the rest of the season once you’ve called its number. Once you pick a losing team, you’re done. Last person standing wins the pot.

See, anyone can pick the big bullies to take out the little guys. The key to longevity is finding those teams that might not win week-in and week-out, but you know can get the job done that given Sunday.

Guesspert: Did you do your fantasy football homework?

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 23:09 EDT

MY EVIL TWIN brother, Orville, says he forever will refer to the 2008 Alabama-Clemson game as “The Homework Bowl.”

As in, when the dust cleared on the Tide’s 34-10 smackdown of the Tigers, it was obvious Nick Saban and company spent all summer figuring out how to outfox and outmuscle Clemson in all facets of the game, while Tommy Bowden and company must have been collecting vintage Happy Meal toys.

Speaking of homework, Week 1 of the NFL season is here. Now we find out if you’ve done your summer homework in drafting your fantasy football team.

My question: Does completing fantasy homework do any good? During the season, waiver-wire homework is essential. You’ve got to know who’s rising, who’s falling, who’s flat on his face as the New York Jets quarterback (oops, I let one slip there).

But at the start of the season, your choices aren’t so hot. You can buy a magazine and blindly follow its picks (just make sure the magazine you buy isn’t Modern Quilting). Or maybe you made it a point to draft the wide receiver who is the half-brother, second cousin, twice removed of your former college roommate. Or maybe you were adamant about drafting a defense that rhymed with “Moakland Faders.”

Guesspert: Paradise by the dashboard GPS light

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:05 EDT

I HAVE HAD Aug. 30 marked with glee on my calendar for a long time.

Today our football cup overfloweth. Not only is it the first full Saturday slate of college football, I start the day by firing up my NFL fantasy football Web site at 10 a.m. for our computerized draft.

Football, football, football! Nothing but glorious football!

Unless I’m forgetting something else that happens Aug. 30. Let me check that calendar again.

Oh, yeah. Aug. 30 is also my wife’s birthday.

Guesspert: Lucas' next episode could be fandom menace

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 23:54 EDT

IT’S GEORGE LUCAS’ fault that I’m a better “Star Wars” dad than a sports dad.

I spent my youth studying “Star Wars” comics instead of baseball boxscores.

Thus today, my 8-year-old son can beat the “Lego Star Wars” video game with his eyes closed, but he still says baseball is scored with “points” instead of “runs.”

After taking him to see “Star Wars: Clone Wars” this week, it’s time I tapped the brakes on his tutelage of the empty space in a galaxy far, far away.

The new film had a few scattered merits, but “Star Wars” movies are supposed to be marked by innovation. “Clone Wars” couldn’t be more recycled if the lightsabers were made of crushed aluminum cans.

Guesspert: Comparing Phelps to Tiger misses the mark

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 22:53 EDT

I WAS DRIVING my evil twin brother Orville to his job (actually his court-ordered community service) when conversation turned to Michael Phelps’ gold medal quest.

“That Michael Phelps is so dominant, he’s the Tiger Woods of swimming,” I said.

Orville punched me so hard in the arm I almost swerved into a ditch.

“Ow!” I said. “Rule No. 1 of the car: No punching the driver!”

He ignored my statement just like he ignored Rule No. 1 of the car.

Guesspert: There’s something about ‘Satan’

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 22:56 EDT

I TRIED TO avoid comment on this summer’s loathsome Brett Favre saga for as long as I could. Now that he’s unretired and back on the bread line in New York, it’s time to say something.

Across the media, we’ve heard reactions from Jets fans (who found a Favre) and Packers fans (who lost a Favre) and even some Bucs fans (the Favre flirters).

But we haven’t heard much from fans of the Minnesota Vikings. You know, a.) the team Favre tortured at as a division foe for 16 seasons; and b.) the team that withstood some mighty saber-rattling from Favre about engineering a trade to during this ordeal.

I knew I could gain some insight on this from the commissioner of my fantasy football team. He’s a lifelong Vikings fan and a practicing newspaper desk editor.

Through all years I’ve known him, he’s always referred to Favre as “Satan.” And I don’t just mean only while yapping around at the newspaper we used to work at, or after-hours at the bars. Every year on the fantasy football lineup rosters and stat sheets, he would always list Favre as Satan.

Opinions on A-Rod come to mind

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 22:36 EDT

I KNOW THERE are millions of New York Yankees fans on the planet. But how many A-Rod fans are out there?

And can one be a Yankee fan but not an A-Rod fan?

Those are a few of the questions I’ve been swinging at in the batting cage of my cranium since returning from seeing a Yankees-Orioles game at Yankee Stadium on Tuesday.

My dad and I decided we would spend a few days’ vacation in New York City to check out one last game in the Yankees’ old home before the Steinbrenners moved the team to their new ballpark in the Bronx in 2009.

(My evil twin brother Orville wasn’t invited because earlier in the summer he tried to sell dad fake Yankee tickets. O. still hasn’t learned that since dad is an ex-cop he’s going to notice that you tried to use a ball-point pen to turn old 2000 Yankee tickets into 2008 Yankee tickets).

Guesspert: Kicking game has heroes, villains

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 23:01 EDT

FILE THIS UNDER the “what comes around goes around in the NFL” department:

Bill Parcells was on HBO’s “Real Sports” recently and blamed Tony Romo’s famously botched hold on a snap in a playoff game in Seattle for his retirement from coaching.

“All you got to do is kick a field goal, the most elementary of plays, and then you just don’t do it,” Parcells said. “And so I don’t want to go through that process again.”

It’s a shocking revelation from the genius coach. We all agree Parcells is a genius, right? After all, this was the coach whose upstart Giants upset the Buffalo Bills in Super Bowl XXV 20-19. Of course, the reason why Parcells didn’t lose 22-20 was because Scott Norwood missed a 47-yard field goal wide right in the closing seconds.

That dang kicking game. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out there’s a lot of luck involved on special teams.

Let's have a Gonzo get-together

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:27 EDT

THE REASON I bought Hunter S. Thompson’s “Hey Rube” a few months ago off the Barnes and Noble discount rack was simple. I wanted the book of his collected ESPN.com columns within reach so I could cherry-pick a brilliantly cruel one-liner in a pinch.

In fact, I’ll do so right now. Here’s something Dr. Thompson wrote in March 2001:

“If I owned a baseball team, I would want Jeter in it. He is a certified Winner in more ways than that bitchy-rich shortstop from Texas will know for the next 10 years.”

If you’re not familiar with Thompson, he’s the inventor of Gonzo journalism. That snippet should tell you about how clearly he sees into his crystal ball on The Way Things Should Be.

I’ve had HST on the brain the past few weeks since I got to read a biography of him written by one of my college journalism professors.

This doesn’t pass the smell test

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 22:19 EDT

I’VE GOT A new prize from the Guesspert Vault up for grabs.

I need you to figure out who provides the annoying voice for “Darkmane,” the guy in a black metalhead costume in ESPN’s new commercials for XGames 14. You know, gold mask, black cape, screeches at a bank of TVs, breaks a Ming vase. Who is that?

My first guess: Gilbert Gottfried ... but the voice wasn’t screechy enough.

Jack Black? Not operatic enough.

I’m putting my money down that it’s Brian Doyle-Murray ... semi-famed brother of Bill Murray.

Blog, age 2, takes bigger baby steps

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 22:05 EDT

WELCOME TO THE birthday party for my 2-year-old. I want all loyal Guesspert readers to know you’re invited to peek at it any time day or night, especially if I’m changing it at 3 in the morning.

Yes, it was on July 5, 2006, that I posted my first entry on The Guesspert Web log (or “blog”).

If you like, you can refer to it by its give name: http://thestatecom.typepad.com/guesspert/

Or, if you’re not the hunt-and-peck typing type, here are the two easiest ways to get there: Plug “Guesspert blog” into a search engine, or go to my archive of columns at thestate.com/guesspert, and click on the link to it there.

Looking at the readership statistics, I am proud to report that we get more than 15,000 page views per day.

Intangibles come with sense of deja vu

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 09:53 EDT

IF THE NFL draft is a highly anticipated chess tournament featuring a room full of Grand Masters, the NBA draft is a Rubik’s Cube contest at an elementary school picnic.

You can imagine a handful of youngsters being able to solve the puzzle with ease; everyone else will be bumblin’ and fumblin’, and generally acting clueless.

College freshmen dominated this year’s opening NBA draft choices. After that, can anyone say that a team got someone who will help in the short-term?

Can anyone say for certain that these kids know that the orange bouncy ball is supposed to go through that hoop with the net on it?

Here are some of the descriptions of potential first-round draft choices that appeared in Thursday’s editions of The State: “Needs to mature as a player and a person” ... “forward is a serviceable low-post presence” ... “is not ready right now, but after another year or two playing professionally overseas, he could be a contributor” ... “stock has sunk because of his work ethic” ... “could emerge as he learns” ... “a project, but he has potential” ...

Free burritos get my blood pumping

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 10:15 EDT

Let me tell you how my A+ blood and my F-minus diet help humanity.

I was eating at an area Taco Bell recently when I noticed a poster for a promotion with the American Red Cross. Here’s the deal: When you donate a pint of blood to the Red Cross, they stamp you a coupon for free burritos. And not just any burritos: We’re talking your choice of two of their three Big Bell Value Menu burritos. Does a half-pound Beef Combo Burrito sound tempting? How about a half-pound Beef and Potato Burrito? Maybe a half-pound Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito?

The math swayed me: I would get to shove a pound of burritos into my mouth once I gave up a pint of blood through a needle jabbed into my arm.

All it took was about a half hour of my time at the Red Cross donation center at 2751 Bull Street. The actual needle-draining time was six minutes.

The free burritos is in addition to all the other swag you can walk away with from the Red Cross center. When I signed in, the receptionist tried to give me a free cap. But I’ve already got enough Red Cross T-shirts and hats from other donation visits, so I politely declined their gesture so that someone special like you can have a shot at one.