Bravo TV has just announced the premiere date of the fourth season of “Southern Charm,” starring Hilton Head Island native Shep Rose and his bow-tied, sun-dressed, occasionally working Charleston friends.
Actually, the date was announced Friday. I would’ve alerted you to this earlier, but I’ve been really busy writing for my new online travel magazine (that is one page and mostly just a giant photo) and would like to now take this opportunity to thank cast member Landon Clements for the idea.
Landon, your online travel magazine Roam has inspired me and countless others. You have paved the path so that future generations of women won’t feel so ashamed when they reply “Ummmm ....” to questions like “How’s that online travel magazine of yours that I invested very heavily in last year?”
That’s right. She has done nothing on this site.
I know this because last year I signed up to “be the first” to “roam” with her, which continues to be the ONLY thing you can do on her site. You can sign up to be alerted when she finally gets it together. And that is it.
She should at least add a suggestion box so we can submit ideas, such as “Change the name of your travel magazine to Still, because let’s face it ...”
Oh. Sorry. The premiere will air at 9 p.m. April 3. Here’s the video:
I got a little carried away. I feel like I’m Landon’s only “sensible friend who doesn’t like to party” and I’m just so frustrated by her.
Maybe that’s why “Southern Charm” has been successful.
Shep and his friends are pretty charming, which I guess is the point. Even Landon is charming. Even her lies, especially the one about not hooking up with Thomas Ravenel. (We know you did, Landon, because obviously.)
By the way, I totally met a woman in Bluffton who was hooking up with Thomas Ravenel over a year ago in between his babies with Kathryn Dennis — wait ... I’m assuming the second baby was his, did we ever get a ruling on that?
Thomas broke it off with the local beauty (don’t even ask me who it is ... I am not telling) because he decided to try to make it work with Kathryn again.
Don’t you worry, though. I asked this woman every important and inappropriate question that you might have guessed I would. To summarize all the answers to all those questions: Yes.
One fun thing to note about season four is that there’s a new maniac on the show.
And I had to watch the preview twice to understand he wasn’t a sun-kissed Craig Conover wearing cover-up on his face mole.
His name is Austen Kroll and get excited for him to scream “You looked at me and you go, ‘You don’t have enough money for her, bro’ — words out of your mouth!” to Shep, who apparently dropped some presumably unsolicited dating advice on the guy.
An interesting thing to note about the preview and Shep: Season four might be a little rough for him.
Or at least that’s what Bravo wants us to believe.
Here are some some of his video highlights:
▪ He toasts to the bourgeoisie and says “may we always be in it,” which is something I have long suspected rich people do when the rest of us are at work.
▪ He appears to lean in to make out with Landon, which is like holding a raw steak in front of a sad and needy puppy’s face because season three led us to believe she’s in love with him.
▪ He is yelled at by Craig ... at least twice.
▪ He screams “You mess with the bull, you get the bleeping horns, son!” at Craig, who might be his actual son because that would explain a lot. Maybe they should do that 23 and Me DNA testing just to be sure.
▪ He is wakened at 1 p.m. by an appalled Cameran Eubanks, who had to walk through a drunken zombie apocalypse of a kitchen to get to him. “Shep!!!,” she says in the saddest voice she’s used yet on the show. “This is bad.”
Speaking of, this season seems like it might be more alcohol-fueled than most.
I’ve heard that Bravo producers like to keep their casts just absolutely lit during filming and that they ply them with obscene amounts of free alcohol, which would explain why some of this cast looks like they could also star in a reality show called “Puffy Face, Broken Capillaries.”
J.D.’s lunar gob alone could light 1,000 mall Santas’ sleighs. Last season I would’ve said 300 Santas’ sleighs. That’s 700 sleighs worse, which proves my point.
But let’s not think about all this too hard, though, shall we?
Let’s just spend these next six weeks wondering if we’ll get to see the Bravo version of Hurricane Matthew.
Something tells me yes.
And that Landon meant to write about it.