In Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet,” young Juliet steps out onto her balcony and into the dark of night — where the slightly older Romeo secretly watches from below.
“O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name.
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
Never miss a local story.
And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.”
In “Southern Charm’s” “Redneck Romeo and Juliet,” young Kathryn Dennis begs old-ass Thomas Ravenel to climb back into the second-floor window of his daughter’s bedroom, which he has just climbed out of because he wants to invite Landon to his dinner party and Kathryn is not OK with that.
“I’m canceling the dinner,” he says as he strikes some sort of menacing and weird “Karate Kid” pose before launching himself toward the bedroom door.
“No,” Kathryn blocks the door.
“I’ll go out the window then.”
And then he does.
I’ll say again, he went out the window because he wanted to invite poor old pitiful Landon Clements to his dinner party and Kathryn was (understandably) not OK with that.
Thomas had just finished telling Kathryn that he was keeping the people who haven’t been supportive of their relationship off the guest list.
And then he snuck in Landon’s name between Cameron’s and Danni’s as if Kathryn wouldn’t notice.
Who is Cameralandanni? Must be new to the group.
I assume Kathryn’s cognitive therapy has been serving her well, though, because she kept it together pretty well when voicing the very thought on viewers’ minds: “Landon has not been supportive. She’s been malicious.”
“Um …,” Thomas said, and then the pose and the window happened.
Kathryn finally persuades her love to climb back in the house by saying “FINE. FINE. Landon can come. It’s your dinner party.”
It was no O Ravenel Ravenel, wherefore art thou Ravenel?, but these star-crossed lovers stole the show Monday night.
It was the episode we had all been waiting for ever since the season premiere when we got a sneak peek at the new #DinnerPartyFromHell, during which Thomas takes the opportunity to slur out some delusional truth bombs about everyone before the delicious-looking scallops that never get eaten can even be served.
He calls Cameran a sanctimonious bitch.
He asks Shep how much allowance his mommy gives him. (You leave Frances alone, sir.) Then he tells Shep that Landon is a rusty old diamond in his backyard that he should maybe shine up and check out.
OK, that part was enjoyable.
Thomas also tells The Craig Gatsby to be himself.
To which Shep says, “Whoa whoa whoa … that’s it for Craig?”
The “Charm” OGs all sat back and took their slander with mostly good-humored grumbles and shocked facial expressions.
And then it was Landon’s turn.
“I want to say one thing to Landon. You know, you’ve been a little catty.”
She barely lets Thomas get the words out of his mouth (some unaired footage of that is here) before she starts defending herself in a voice that I would have described as that of a confused and hysterical chicken who was accidentally granted someone else’s wish to be an aimless rich girl for the day — but I don’t need to describe it that way because Kathryn won Burn of the Night.
“Stop yelling!,” she tells Landon in the foyer on their way out. “You sound like (an effing) dolphin!”
LANDON DOES SOUND LIKE A DOLPHIN.
She is a golf-cart-driving-in-the-city dolphin whose true colors shone when she yelled “white trash loser” at Kathryn and Thomas.
Sweetie, I’m from Boston and yet I know the proper Southern thing to do in that instance would have been to thank them for a lovely dinner (that they never got to eat) and hope to God I had a fat checkmark next to “charge golf cart battery before party” on the old to-do list in my chevron-covered notebook at home so I could make my 15 mph escape.
Here are the most curious, fun and mind-numbing moments of Monday night’s episode:
— Kathryn’s special dinner party ensemble put together by Cooper Ray. She looked like Old Hollywood … meets Madame from “Solid Gold,” who went shopping for a cape in Ivana Trump’s cast-off closet. Coco Chanel had it right when she said “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.” That feather-cape thing was the one thing. Side note: When Kathryn was out shopping she got a call from Jen Snowden, aka The Friend She Can’t Have Because of Thomas. Yes, it’s OK for Thomas to tell her to cut out Jen, but not OK for Kathryn to tell him to cut out Landon. Typical. I feel you, KD. No wonder you go into black-out rages.
— Who is the daddy? Come on now. You can’t just tell us Thomas Ravenel’s paternity test was inconclusive one week and not follow up on that. J.D. seems to think that Thomas is a gentleman and would take care of that boy even if it isn’t his. Mmmm. I don’t know about all that. Also, I bet Kathryn wishes it were this guy:
— Speaking of paternity tests, Landon might want to take one. She is NOTHING like her sister Bam. Twitter focused on Bam’s rather pronounced Groucho Marx eyebrows. But I was more interested in the tears Bam shed because her big sister doesn’t know how to “hold a full-time job with health benefits.” “I just don’t understand why you’re getting upset about my stability,” Landon tells her. Um, because it’s really hard to watch?
— Whitney’s one contribution to this episode: He delivered a pug puppy with a bow around its neck to his mother and said, “This is Chauncey. Your granddog.” Thanks for taking a minute to join us, gurl.
— Landon and Patricia’s heart to heart: “Onward and upward,” Patricia tells a sniffling Landon. “No man is worth crying over.” Then Patricia, who is 80-hundred, suggests a sexy makeover for Landon. “Women today, they just look ghastly,” Patricia says in her interview, which I bet sent Landon to nearest CVS for a hairbrush the second she saw it on TV. “When you look like you’ve been shot out of a cannon, you’re not attractive to the opposite sex.” My favorite part of their cocktail chat, though, was when Patricia suggested Thomas Ravenel as a potential future mate for Landon, who quickly pointed out that Kathryn Calhoun Dennis is his babies’ (we think) mama. “Do I want to be co-parenting with that? No way.” Yeah. That would be the impediment to a Thomas Ravenel relationship and not that Thomas Ravenel is a tomcatting, overly emotional, tipsy man-child. Standards, Landon. And don’t put it all on the woman.
— Speaking of Thomas being Thomas, I loved his drink order at his lunch with J.D. J.D. asks for a Gentry bourbon and ginger, because OF COURSE, and Thomas says “I’ll have a sauvignon blanc.” He didn’t order his friend’s bourbon! What a jerk. Though I’m sure that wasn’t a purposeful slight. After all, we know Thomas can’t resist saying French words whenever the opportunity arises.
— Shep’s bye-bye wave from the back of the golf cart as he was leaving that maniac’s dinner party. Though I would have liked to see Shep punch Thomas in the face for calling Shep a trust fund baby but referring to himself as “as self-made man” (Hahahaha. Nope. Sorry, Mr. French Huguenot with the bridge named after your daddy), I’m glad he got out of there with his fists unblemished. But mainly I don’t think Shep could’ve taken Thomas. I don’t mean to insult Shep’s masculinity, but I imagine it would be like Grover going up against Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” Shep’s way too sweet and gangly for all that craziness. Though I’m still shaking my head at his statement to Cameran earlier in the episode:
“(Landon) strikes me as a girl who doesn’t want to be slept with in a casual manner,” he tells her.
“Most girls don’t, Shep.”
You’ve got to hand it to Cameran for trying, I guess.
— And finally, Twitter beats up on Landon ... again: