TheState.com: Sports Guesspert

Sports Guesspert: Better Bustee Bureau welcomes Russell

Sat, 08 May 2010 00:22 EDT

LET'S SEE, WHAT was the last thing I spent a lot of money on that I immediately regretted buying?

Well, recently I paid a few hundred bucks to get the cruise control cable replaced on my '98 Mustang. But when I got on I-26, the cruise control decided it wanted to go beyond 80 mph without me putting my foot on the accelerator. But at least the garage fixed it for free. The important details since then are that a) the cruise control seems to work fine now, and b) I'm not dead from driving 100-plus mph into oncoming traffic. It's so much harder to file these columns on time when that happens.

Then again, these columns might be funnier if I were left in a ditch with a windshield wiper lodged up my nose.

Similarly, my evil twin brother Orville's good friend Al Davis recently paid $39 million for JaMarcus Russell to be the Raiders' starting quarterback. And all Oakland got was seven wins in 25 starts. Worst of all, a whole lot of doughnuts are gone forever from the team's training table.

And you're wondering why the Raiders haven't been in the NFL fast lane for almost a decade.

Sports Guesspert: Finding zen in 96 is annoying

Sat, 03 Apr 2010 01:07 EDT

I FINALLY FIGURED out who's behind the push to expand the NCAA men's basketball tournament field to 96 teams.

It has to be paper companies that are trying to boost sales of 11-inch by 18-inch paper.

Because that's the size sheets we'll all need if we ever intend to enter another office bracket pool in our lifetimes.

Hey, I'm not entirely against the Higher-Ups super-sizing the field. In a way it makes sense for the NIT's 32 teams to get swallowed up by the bigger fish. Those teams will at least now have "something" to play for, other than the ridicule that comes with winning the NIT (which, we all know, is only overshadowed by the ridicule of winning two NIT titles in a row).

But on the other hand: Isn't the idea of selecting the best of anything by lining up 96 samples in a row a little bit - what's the word I'm looking for? - stupid? No, worse than stupid. How about "stewpid."

Guesspert: Who would want to join MJ's team?

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:51 EDT

DEAR MICHAEL JORDAN,

I'm sure you're sick of getting "Open Letters to Michael Jordan" from me. But this is the first time I've been able to address you as the owner of an NBA franchise.

Don't worry, this discussion will have a lot more to it than "Why are you still making awful underwear commercials with Charlie Sheen?"

Time was, you were a global icon for basketball excellence. Heck, they even let you star in a movie opposite Bugs Bunny. Nowadays, LeBron James is lucky if Porky Pig returns his text messages.

But now you're the owner in Charlotte. Unfortunately, among basketball fans in Columbia, the Bobcats are not as popular as a basketball squad that can beat the No. 1 team in the nation - yet not qualify for the NIT.

Guesspert: SEC schools deserve new rebel yell

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 00:51 EST

THIS STORY BEGINS a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

Or, Oxford, Miss. Close enough.

The University of Mississippi is searching high and low to find a replacement mascot for its retired Colonel Reb image.

So of course, Ole Miss students have made a push to have that replacement be ... Admiral Ackbar.

If that name doesn't ignite your lightsaber, that's OK. He's an obscure "Star Wars" character from "Return of the Jedi." Remember the crimson, amphibious bubba who's in charge of the spaceship armada that attacks the second Death Star? For my money, his immortal line, "It's a trap!" has more dramatic weight than when the deckhand in "Titanic" blurted, "Iceberg, dead ahead!"

Guesspert: Taking Tiger to task is a short drive

Sat, 20 Feb 2010 07:41 EST

EVERY SERIOUS SPORTS journalist dreamed of scoring the scoop of the first Tiger Woods confessional interview.

And after watching the non-fireworks of his ask-me-no-questions "press opportunity" Friday, I took a nap and fantasized about being part of that hand-picked group that was allowed access to that room.

TIGER: "OK, you know what? I will relent and allow one - and only one - question to be asked. ... Yes, you, with the 'Lefty Rules' T-shirt in the front row."

ME: "Yes, Greg Hardy, State sports. Hi, Tiger. Answer me this ... why no tie?"

Because seriously. When Tiger strode oh so purposefully to his podium at 11 a.m., was I the only one thinking, "I wonder if Tiger left his tie off in a sign of casual purposefulness .... or did he forget to put on the one Elin picked for him because he's so woefully unprepared?"

Guesspert: This is snow time to miss a skeleton

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 23:48 EST

OK, I'M OFFICIALLY freaking out now. And I'm blaming some rich guy's fancy TV for this.

For a few years, we sports fans have been upgrading to high-definition TVs. The pictures look so crystal clear it's like we can reach into the screen and touch the action.

Starting this summer, we'll be able to buy 3-D TVs. Well, we won't be able to afford them, but we'll have the ability to buy them. But eventually, the price will come down, and once we strap on a pair of their high-tech eye goggles it'll look like the action will reach out and touch us.

Which leads us to Friday when I was driving to my job at The State. I couldn't help but notice it was, uh ... snowing.

And I'm thinking in horror: We have snow in Columbia? On the opening night of the Winter Olympics?

Guesspert: #SB44, tweet by tweet

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 00:07 EST

EVERYONE'S GOT A busy weekend lined up, right?

Sunday means parties, nachos, beer, prop bets. A life-altering beverage commercial or two. And once that's done after "Meet the Press," there's Super Bowl XLIV to look forward to.

Actually, using Roman numerals to denote the Super Bowl is about as old-fashioned as waiting in line for a new Harry Potter book. If you're so hip and with it that you own four pairs of 3-D glasses from seeing "Avatar" that many times, you know to refer to the big game as #SB44.

Because that's the "hash tag" that lets Twitter users across the Twitterverse know that you're making a comment about the 44th edition of the Superest of Bowls via your Twitter account.

Speaking of Twitter, you're not going to believe this: Someone from the future e-mailed me today all the Twitter updates I made (scratch that: will make) during the game.

Guesspert: Stock up now on Kurt Warner accolades

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 00:41 EST

IN HONOR OF the upcoming movie "Hot Tub Time Machine" - if you haven't seen a commercial for it yet, I'm sure you'll see it about 5 trillion times before the film comes out in March - let's skip ahead a good five or six or seven years in the future.

(If you haven't seen a "Hot Tub Time Machine" commercial yet, just know it involves a present-day John Cusack, Rob Corddry and Craig Robertson getting flushed back to a ski resort in swingin' 1986. Personally, it smells like a plot from the wacky B-grade comedies Cusack used to headline in the '80s ... you know, classics like "Better Off Dead" and "One Crazy Summer." And my evil twin brother Orville put 5-to-1 odds that the online trailers will be a funnier experience than sitting through the entire movie ... but let's get back to the here and now.)

OK, it's a given that Kurt Warner will be elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Don't give me any lip about how his stats do or don't stack up. His life story is the stuff gridiron dreams are made of. Are you kidding me? The QB nobody wanted brought two pathetic franchises to the Super Bowl? The guy who used to stock grocery shelves has bagged two league MVP awards?

Let me put it this way about how Warner can accomplish the unfathomable: I'll bet my Arizona Cardinals Snuggie that if he had been recruited to South Carolina for college instead of the University of Northern Iowa, the Gamecocks would have SEC title and Sugar Bowl trophies in the display case collecting dust from the early '90s.

Anyway, in order to bring The Legend of Kurt Warner full circle, I think his induction speech in Canton should be given by - his former supermarket manager.

NFL Guesspert: This is what it sounds like when Favres cry

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:20 EST

IF YOU GAVE me a Prince CD as a present, I'd be happy.

If you gave me Prince concert tickets next time he's in the area, I'd be forever in your debt.

But if you want me to say something nice about the new fight song he unveiled in honor of his hometown Minnesota Vikings, you'll be waiting just as long for him to be named their starting nose tackle.

Let me start by saying you'll be hard-pressed to find a bigger Prince fan than me. I own all his albums, and he's been coming out with one a year since 1978. I've seen him in concert five times, and once caught his towel during an encore of a show at Miami Arena. I even videotaped his guest appearance on "Muppets Tonight" in the late '90s (as far as I can tell, he is taller than Kermit the Frog -- but my evil twin brother Orville pointed out that it could have been trick photography).

So I was just as surprised as anyone when I learned this week that he recorded a track called "Purple and Gold" in honor of the Vikings' playoff run.

Next it will be in 3-D? We need a TV time-out

Sat, 09 Jan 2010 00:58 EST

PEOPLE TALK ABOUT newspapers being a dying medium. Well, I've got a communication platform that's about to be deader than our forests of dead trees.

I'm talking TV. You might as well drag your new 72-inch flat screen by the curb for the garbagemen to haul away.

Conan O'Brien, I feel your red-headed pain. But this goes beyond the way NBC is yanking around its late-night lineup.For everyone who makes a living in 2-D TV, your days are numbered.

Here comes 3-D TV.

Right now, you've heard we're in the "Hey, 3-D TVs will hit the stores this summer!" phase. But you know the drill.

NFL Guesspert: I'm playing both sides of Houston street

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 00:01 EST

AND NOW EVERYTHING came down to Matt Schaub.

Let me back up.

If you're a fantasy football nut like me, odds are you dabble in more than one league each season. And odds are that every few weeks, there arises a case where a player that you're starting for your team in one league is being played against you in another.

All you can do is shut your eyes and hope he scores some magic number of points to help you in one league and not kill you in another.

For two weeks in a row - in the fantasy playoffs no less! - a member of the Houston Texans offense has fit that description.

NFL Guesspert: No 3D glasses needed to see my blues

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:08 EST

REMEMBER LAST WEEK when I complained about Thursday night NFL games? Here's a follow-up:

It was about a quarter to midnight this past Thursday, and I'm sitting in auditorium 6 at the Columbiana Grande waiting for the 12:01 a.m. Friday showing of "Avatar" to start in all its 3D glory. In the premovie chatter of a packed house, I hear someone lament, "I heard we missed a great football game."

"Aw, man," his friend whined. "I keep forgetting the NFL even PLAYS on Thursday nights."

That's when I swooped to the rescue like a Na'vi on an Ikran (although at that point, I wouldn't have understood that reference until I had seen them do that in the movie two hours later).

On my drive to the multiplex, I had heard the end of the game on the radio. So I explained:

NFL Guesspert: 'Football weather' holds cold, hard facts

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 00:43 EST

THERE ARE VERY few things I'm completely dead-set against when it comes to the NFL.

Like most of you, I can probably do without the prevent defense; coaches intent on icing the kicker; fools who feel the need to tweak the overtime format; and the Denver Broncos.

But the No. 1 thing that kills me are these Thursday night games.

Specifically, Thursday night games like the one in Cleveland this week.

Yup, cold-weather cities in December ... kick-offs scheduled for late at night ... home teams going into the game with 1-11 records ... that's about as big a formula for success as if Notre Dame had hired Nicolas Cage as its coach.

NFL Guesspert: Leave a message at the creep

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 00:19 EST

I PICKED UP my phone this morning and heard this message on my voice mail:

"Hey, it's Orville. The guy you feel compelled to introduce at every party as your 'evil twin brother.' Did you ever stop to think how that makes me feel?

"I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you - please - take the name of my fantasy team off the league standings. My bookie went through my inbox and may be calling you. So if you can, please take my name off that. Just have it listed as 'team to be named later' on the roster.

"You've got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye."

I can understand his panic. As lousy as he has been picking the NFL's lackluster performers each week in this forum, his fantasy team is even worse. His roster has more holes in it than the windows on Tigers' SUV.

NFL Guesspert: Wait — The Who put halftime on first?

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 22:07 EST

QUESTION: WHO WILL play the next Super Bowl halftime?

Answer: The Who.

Follow-up question: Why?

The NFL confirmed the February gig during its Thanksgiving games - apparently after an exhaustive, worldwide search that failed to find any rock band older than The Who.

After also hosting the Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney, we're all aware the Super Bowl loves to see British musical acts that had some of their greatest hits years before Super Bowl I was played in 1967.

NFL Guesspert: 1 is loneliest number for Lions, Browns

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:20 EST

WE'RE RUNNING OUT of teams in the NFL that still have only one win apiece.

Cleveland, Detroit, Tampa Bay and St. Louis are a fearsome foursome at a combined 4-32.

Looking at that list of 1-8 teams inspires one huge question:

How on earth have Kansas City and Oakland managed two wins apiece?

Meanwhile, things aren't looking up for our one-loss wonders this weekend.

Guesspert: Browns should double-check fertilizers

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:23 EST

DID YOU EVER see George Clooney's old-timey football movie that he filmed in the Upstate, called "Leatherheads"?

The film opens in the 1920s at a location typical for a pro football game during that era: a cow pasture.

I had a flashback to those images after Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis criticized coach Eric Mangini by using farm metaphors:

"We're just the crop. You've got to take care of your crop. If you don't take care of your crop, when it comes time to harvest, you're not going to make no money because the crop ain't no good."

We all know the Browns are knee-deep in pig slop with a 1-7 record.

NFL Guesspert: No lyin': Texans are lapping the field on Detroit

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:50 EST

AS I WRITE my annual "Texans vs. Lions" diatribe, I'm struck by the memory that my very first choice this fantasy football season was - "Texans or Lions?"

For my league with out-of-town friends, we annually pick a Sunday afternoon where we dedicate an hour and a half online to run our draft. That cyber-war room has a chat board for smack talk and everything.

That afternoon started with me running to my laptop, knowing that it's about four minutes past our scheduled start time, and not knowing where I'm picking in my draft order.

Magic! I get in to our site, and I'm just in time. I'm picking fifth out of 12 people. Everyone gets a maximum of a minute and a half to make a pick. On the clock is the fifth selectee (me!), and if I don't choose a player in 37 seconds, the computer will automatically pick one for me.

I see that the computer, in its infinite wisdom (or maybe it was programmed by my evil twin brother Orville), had me lined up to automatically receive Calvin Johnson.

NFL Guesspert: Career rules are made to be broken

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 17:24 EDT

ENOUGH OF THIS penny-ante Fantasy Football guesswork.

I need to move to where the real money is in not knowing what you're talking about.

I'm talking about becoming a Major League Baseball umpire.

Have you seen some of these calls the officials are making in the playoffs? This is a question for the fans only, not the actual umps. I doubt they've seen what A-Rod's jersey number is yet.

According to a USA Today story, umpires earn up to $350,000 for seven to eight months of work. I assume through the rest of the year they rest their eyes on their own dime.

NFL Guesspert: Balloon payback brings sinking feeling

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 21:07 EDT

IS IT ME, or did that runaway balloon in Colorado look like it was part of the world's lamest "Salute to 'The X-Files'" homecoming parade float ever?

I've seen discarded Jiffy Pop cookers that looked like more technically advanced science projects.

We can laugh about it now, because the kid's OK. But after growing up with an evil twin brother like Orville, I can tell you some stories about hide and seek pranks gone awry.

See, O. and I were never the "build a balloon to fly away" types. We were more the "dig a hole to China" types. It started off by digging behind the garage looking for buried treasure. Every now and then one of us would find the random 1947 wheat penny or disfigured "Star Wars" Stormtrooper action figure.

But then Orville figured out how to build Burmese tiger pits on our front walkway for the days the mailman was supposed to deliver my college football preview magazines. Which is why I've had a P.O. box since age 9. We must have been the youngest kids in the neighborhood to have a thorough knowledge of our state's "lying in wait" statutes.