Saturday, Jul. 25, 2009

Guesspert: It’s no mystery how SEC Media Days should be run

DO I HAVE to think of everything around here?

The Southeastern Conference just wrapped up its endlessly-hyped-but-worthless preseason Media Days, and no one seems to have noticed a prime way to turn it into an endlessly-hyped-and-obscenely-profitable Media Days.

See, the one diversion to the coaching yawn-a-thons this year was the day-by-day mystery: Which coach shafted Tim Tebow out of All-SEC preseason first-team honors?

(SPOILER ALERT! Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier WOULD have voted Tebow to the first team, but he says his assistant filled out the ballot wrong. Coach, was this your man’s only mistake of late, or are these slip-ups becoming chronic? I mean, have you gotten your dry cleaning back since 1997?)

So what’s my idea to inject life into SEC Media Days?

The answer is elementary, dear Watson.

Have each year’s SEC Media Days centered around a mystery that fans have to solve.

You’ve heard of those cheesy Mystery Dinner Theaters? Or Mystery Murder Trains? Where cut-rate actors act out interactive clues for a night?

Same idea. In this case, it’s the SEC coaches who are under suspicion. Their comments during media interviews will include clues that can help crack the crime.

Fans would pay big bucks to flock to Alabama to see if they can solve the mystery before the media boys and girls can. Call it “CSI: Hoover.” Or maybe “Murder on the Tuscaloosa Express.”

Some story lines can revolve around:

• Who’s spreading lies as a dirty recruiter?

• Why are there only two starting quarterbacks in the SEC who are worth a dang?

• Who just got arrested in Gainesville? (This can be played at a lightning-round pace).

• Who drilled a hole in the hotel room wall and filmed Houston Nutt naked?

• Is Nick Saban dressing up in LSU colors again for another movie role, or is there a blockbuster coaching change in the air?

• Maybe some year Urban Meyer can come up with some “DaVinci Code”-themed scavenger hunt that involves a conspiracy to have him coach at Notre Dame.

• Who beat up Lane Kiffin in the boys bathroom, gave him a swirlie and stole his juice money?

• When will Spurrier turn things around in Columbia?

• Where DOES every penny of that $3 billion in TV money wind up?

And if fans can’t get to the Media Days, they can always play the home boardgame version. Just rip off the format of “Clue,” and roll the dice: “The culprit was Bobby Petrino ... in the Booster’s Mansion ... with the Phil Steele season preview magazine.”

The key is to convert all those murder mystery cliches into college football terms.

Everyone’s heard the accusation: “The butler did it.”

Now it’s: “The Director of Football Operations did it.”

Greg’s “Pop Culture Standings” and “Hardy Vision” columns appear each week on CBSSports.com. He has more clueless comments at Twitter.com/HardyVision.

Get The State newspaper delivered to your home. Click here to subscribe.