EVERY SERIOUS SPORTS journalist dreamed of scoring the scoop of the first Tiger Woods confessional interview.
And after watching the non-fireworks of his ask-me-no-questions "press opportunity" Friday, I took a nap and fantasized about being part of that hand-picked group that was allowed access to that room.
TIGER: "OK, you know what? I will relent and allow one - and only one - question to be asked. ... Yes, you, with the 'Lefty Rules' T-shirt in the front row."
ME: "Yes, Greg Hardy, State sports. Hi, Tiger. Answer me this ... why no tie?"
Because seriously. When Tiger strode oh so purposefully to his podium at 11 a.m., was I the only one thinking, "I wonder if Tiger left his tie off in a sign of casual purposefulness .... or did he forget to put on the one Elin picked for him because he's so woefully unprepared?"
But, no. The whole thing was as prepared, prepackaged and predetermined as a Southwest Airlines apology shipment of Twinkies to Kevin Smith's house.
Yet it still came off as stilted and inauthentic. Thus, here are my suggestions for any future Tigerside Chats.
- Comic relief. OK, it's one thing not to allow any hardball questions from the working press. But maybe hire a comic sidekick to lighten the mood and make some goofy faces. Andy Richter surely would have been available.
- My evil twin brother Orville called the entire show overlong and at times unfocused. His solution for both problems: Make a rule that for each minute of his speech, he has to slam a shot of whiskey. By the 11 minute mark, the speech will still be overlong, but it would be a lot more entertaining as to how unfocused it would be.
- When Tiger was railing against the media to stay away from Elin, was he singling out those Chinese news computer reenactments?
- I guess having Tiger hug his mom was the logical way to end the thing. But it still seemed anticlimactic. Maybe closing theme music would have helped. Again, go light. Might I suggest a serenade by YouTube's ubiquitous Keyboard Cat?
- Next time, have the handpicked audience be composed of the select cast members of "Jersey Shore."
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"Why do people get upset at Web sites that publish Olympics results before that competition is broadcast on TV? I don't get upset when my operatives leak me the results of sports that are fixed ahead of time."