May 6, 2014

'Southern Charm' review: The outtakes

Just when you thought it was over, Bravo managed to squeeze one more "charming" hour out of its "Southern Charm" series.

Just when you thought it was over, Bravo managed to squeeze one more "charming" hour out of its "Southern Charm" series.

Although it was billed as a special "secrets revealed" episode, Monday night's show was more of a hodgepodge of unseen footage than revelations about the cast. Most of the scoop was dug up by Andy Cohen on last week's reunion episode.

Still, it was interesting to watch things we didn't get to see during the regular season, like when Whitney rents a yacht and takes the gang on a booze cruise on the Charleston harbor, or when Jenna hires a Gullah voodoo priestess to talk to the spirits in her house.

These activities were done clearly for the purpose of filming it, which may have been why they didn't make the final cut for the "reality" show.

The first deleted scene, as it were, is Jenna whisking the cast away on her boothang's private jet for lunch in the Big Apple. Jenna's mom joins the excursion and tut-tuts that they had to bring so many people, otherwise they could have taken the helicopter. Don't you hate it when that happens?

"Some boyfriends lend you the keys to their car, my boyfriend lends me his private jet," Jenna says nonchalantly to the camera.

At least Cameran seems humble about such an extravagance, adding that a normal lunch for her is a value meal at Wendy's. And PopTart breakfasts. (Seriously, how does she eat what she eats and look how she looks?)

They stop by boyfriend Lou's swanky high-rise apartment and Lou makes his one and only "Southern Charm" cameo, which is probably for the best since he resembles a James Bond villain, according to Shep. Hey, for a Louboutin shoe collection, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Next, we get to see the yacht Whitney charters for a memorable Memorial Day celebration. The Honey Fitz is the Presidential Yacht, which has served five U.S. presidents, including JFK, and has since been restored to its original condition. Naturally, such an elegant relic makes for the perfect booze cruise for Whitney and his pals. Only there's one problem: there isn't enough booze. T-Rav, who already looks "in the cups," takes charge and sends two people ashore to get alcohol. Whitney, stressed and impatient in his host role, says the party doesn't have time to wait and casts off before the bar arrives. Nothing too Southern or charming about that.

Then we get a peek at Jenna's spiritual side, when she invites a psychic over to investigate what she thinks are ghosts in her house. The psychic confirms this, saying they're spirits of slaves who used to live in quarters under the house. Seems reasonable enough, although Charleston floods so much, does anyone even have basements?

The spirit lady follows up by telling each of the cast a little about themselves. Cameran won't have kids for another five years, she says. Craig is a well-balanced person. And Shep is an alcoholic and an ungenerous lover.

Shep, somewhat taken aback and offended, says he thinks he's a nice guy, to which the spirits reply: Haha. Hahahaha.

The episode ends on a sweet note with unseen clips of T-rav and Kathryn during and post-pregnancy. The two both look happy and at ease, and little Kensington really is adorable. And she doesn't look anything like Shep! Not now, at least. Fingers crossed.

BEST (AND ONLY) SECRET REVEALED: "I went through a phase in high school where I wanted to be a witch." - Cameran

WORST MOMENT:Patricia's beloved cat dies, although he had a decent life, with daily vet visits and everything. He probably had a litter box made of diamonds, too. RIP Rocky.

BEST QUOTE: "I could always kill him. Where's my pink pistol?" -Patricia

BEST SHEP QUOTE: "I don't believe in ghosts or aliens or anything. I want to believe in Bigfoot, but that's about where it ends."

YOU KNOW YOUR BOYFRIEND IS TOO OLD FOR YOU WHEN: What you initially have in common is that his daughter goes to the same school as you, in the same year. Or if Shep Rose describes him as looking like a James Bond villain.

THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN: Jenna's oversized, too-fashionable-to-be-practical sunglasses. They looked like those protective shades/goggles old people wear when they can no longer see or be in direct sunlight. Maybe they were Lou's.


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