Bless their hearts, but the writers of the mighty sassy “House of Cards” television series done gone and stepped in it. They got but one oar in the water and I’m fixin’ to tell you why.
In an early episode of Season Three – which everybody and their Uncle Billy Bob are binging on now on Netflix – President (pronounced prezzi-dint) Frank Underwood serves up a big ol’ bowl of boiled peanuts to some fancy judge.
Underwood puffs up like road kill rotting on a hot summer day and brags about having the peanuts “shucked” back in the kitchen and thus proffered minus their pesky shells.
Now the whole dang thing is enough to make you wanna knock those writers – and Frank Underwood –into the middle of next week, ’cause the fact is, no self-respecting Southerner from Gaffney (where Underwood supposedly is from) or any other wide place in the road would consider presenting boiled peanuts in such a way.
First off, you ever heard of shucking a peanut? Nope, me either.
But nekked boilers? Makes my panties get in a wad. I mean, that dog just don’t hunt.
Anybody with a lick of sense knows that to properly eat a boiled peanut, you got to wrastle with the little brown shell first. It’s part of the process, and process is important here. Having to get the shell off the peanut slows things down like a Sunday afternoon with nothing more to do than watch the cars go by.
Eating a boiled goober is a one-at-a-time kind of thing, not a whole darn handful deal, and sucking that salty juice once you get inside the shell’ll make you think you done died and gone to Heaven.
See, that wet little carapace is the necessary framework from wherein you’ll discover three (four, if you hit the jackpot) perfectly-salted and moistened orbs of soft protein that, once in your mouth, will make you wanna slap yo mama.
Some folks would even say they taste fine as frog’s hair.
Bottom line? You can stuff a handful of fried pork skins in your mouth, or a big fat piece of a Co-Cola cake, but you dang well don’t go doing that with boiled peanuts.
It just ain’t fittin’.
So ’scuse my French, but those folks wherever they put that Underwood show together, well, they’re ’bout confused as a fart in a fan factory when it comes to boiled peanuts.
Bless their hearts.