Talk: Helping spread the test-taking misery

Parents, put down that cup of coffee and the Toaster Strudel. If your children must go to school today and take the PACT, then you should share their pain.

That’s why, for the eighth straight year, The State will be administering the TACT (Talk Achievement Challenge Test), which also is the state Legislature’s only way of knowing if taxpayers are keeping up with the world around them.

Hey, no complaining out there. Just get out your No. 2 pencil, and wipe off the kitchen table. And please try not to get Toaster Strudel frosting on your paper.

Here goes.

1. Barack Obama leads the Democratic presidential race in number of delegates, number of states and number of actual votes. By Hillary Clinton’s calculations, she is: A) winning; B) right where she wants to be; C) on a roll; D) all of the above.

2. “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul recently was accused of erratic behavior on the show that included: A) making out with Randy Jackson; B) judging a contestant’s song before he sung; C) jumping onstage and warbling an off-key “Straight Up” D) tossing back 12 shots of bourbon and barfing on Simon Cowell’s shoes.

3. President Bush did which of the following at his daughter’s wedding on his Texas ranch over the weekend? A) Made her fiance clear five acres of brush before he could participate in the ceremony; B) Danced with Jenna to “You Are So Beautiful” C) Had Oscar de la Renta detained as an enemy combatant; D) Wrestled a shotgun out of Dick Cheney’s hands after the vice president accidentally peppered one of the bridesmaids with buckshot.

4. The new coach of the USC women’s basketball team is: A) Dawn Staley; B) Dan Stanley; C) Delta Dawn; D) Tony Orlando & Dawn.

5. The 2008 Summer Olympics will be held in: A) Tokyo, Japan; B) Bangkok, Thailand; C) Beijing, China; D) Benkelman, Neb.

6. Bob Coble boards a trolley in front of the State House at 5:15 p.m. heading west at 32 miles per hour. Mark Sanford climbs on a bicycle from the same spot at 5:49 p.m. and rides south at 14 miles per hour. At what point will their paths intersect? A) It’s hard to say, since Mayor Bob got off at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts in Cayce; B) It’s a trick question, since Gov. Sanford is pedaling a stationary bike; C) No normal people have ever been able to solve these kinds of math word problems; D) May 23 at 11:31 a.m. in Aiken.

7. The cost of a postage stamp increased this week to: A) 42 cents; B) $4.20; C) $42; D) people still use the U.S. Postal Service instead of e-mail?

8. John McCain’s top choice for a running mate on the GOP presidential ticket is: A) Lindsey Graham; B) Mark Sanford; C) Jim DeMint; D) nobody from South Carolina.

9. Columbia’s new city police chief is: A) Tandy Carter; B) Jessica Tandy; C) Lynda “Wonder Woman” Carter; D) Jimmy Carter.

10. The winner of the Dodge Challenger 500 at Darlington Raceway over the weekend was: A) Jenna Bush; B) Anheuser-Busch; C) George W. Bush; D) Kyle Busch.

11. The commencement speaker at Furman’s upcoming graduation ceremony will be: A) Jenna Bush; B) Anheuser-Busch; C) George W. Bush; D) Kyle Busch.

12. Teen singer Miley Cyrus is best known for her Disney character named: A) Carly Carolina; B) Hannah Montana; C) Dani California; D) Mariota Dakota.

13. The struggling research campus being developed by USC is known as: A) Innovista; B) Outtaluck; C) Innafix; D) Outtatime.

14. A Democratic delegate who is free to vote any way he or she chooses in the presidential race is called a: A) Spiderdelegate; B) Batdelegate; C) Irondelegate; D) Superdelegate.

15. The city is Columbia is considering a ban on which activity in restaurants and bars? A) Eating; B) Drinking; C) Smoking; D) Burping.

OK, time’s up. Pencils down. Pass your tests to the front. Grades will be posted on the Talk About Town bulletin board next month.