Friday, Jun. 26, 2009

Aftermath of infidelity: 'It's quite a triangle'

Counselors predict deep, long-lasting pain for Sanfords, governor’s mistress

The e-mails between Gov. Mark Sanford and a woman in Argentina spell out their relationship in excruciating detail.

Addressed to “My Love,” “Sweetest” and “My Beloved,” the words express a sensual and emotional bond rather than a brief fling.

And that can make the pain sharper, deeper and longer-lasting, family therapists said.

“This wasn’t a dalliance,” said Linda Olson, director of the Columbia Pastoral Counseling Center. “It makes it much harder. The emotional involvement is much more profound and much deeper. Anybody who was watching it unfold just sees so much pain for all involved.

“The emotional involvement is equally as difficult to get past as the sexuality betrayal,” Olson said. “And it’s hard to forget.”

Everyone — the governor, first lady Jenny Sanford, the Sanford children, his mistress in Buenos Aires — is affected by it. And where does it go from here?

“I certainly believe people can survive long-term affairs by kind of restructuring their marriage in a way that the fidelity is there and the trust is re-established,” said Jennifer Savitz, a licensed professional counselor in Columbia.

But, therapists agree, it takes a lot of time and a commitment to work things out.

“With any couple, what’s been destroyed is the element of trust. That’s not something you say is fixed and it’s fixed,” said Kevin King, a Columbia psychologist. “It takes time for rebuilding and re-establishing the commitment to the relationship.”

And even then, it’s hard to predict the long-term outcome.

“I’ve worked with couples who can’t work through a text messaging affair when there was no physical touching,” said Diane Gehart, a marriage and family therapy professor at California State University-Northridge. “And I’ve worked with others where there was an intensive physical relationship for several years. They spend several years working through things and, at the end, they’ll say the affair was the best thing that ever happened because they were able to work to a level of honesty and intimacy.”

In the Sanfords’ case, it’s more challenging because the personal details have become so public, offering a view of an emotional and physical involvement.

“Any time you take energy away from a marriage, especially in such a high-profile stressful position (as the governor), which also takes energy from the marriage, there is little left over for the marriage,” Savitz said. “I would suspect that it has been a lonely place for Jenny Sanford to be in, other than having her children and investing in them.”

The Sanfords have four sons.

Children often are caught in the middle in these situations — the toughest place to be, therapists say.

“They love both parents. The last thing any child wants is to see their family broken up,” Savitz said. “They take on a greater responsibility than they should have to.”

Infidelity can be particularly confusing for teens, who tend to see things in black and white, and don’t have the maturity or life experience to understand the complexities of relationships.

“Teenagers, we often find, are the angriest, least forgiving and the most upset by it all. The kids can often be angrier than the spouse who has been cheated on,” Gehart said. “If their father has talked about character and values and being a good person, ... teens in particular are rattled quite a bit by an affair by a parent, especially when it’s so out of character for their father.”

For Maria, the woman in Buenos Aires, the road will be tough, too.

“It’s quite a triangle,” Savitz said. “She’s hurting also. You have to admit the end of a long-term ... relationship. There’s a void in her life, too, assuming it’s over.”

Olson said that in situations like this, the mistress often is abandoned “because she is seen somehow as the bad guy, as the perpetrator of this; that somehow this wouldn’t have happened if she wasn’t around. That’s often unfair. She needs real support and care as well.”

Gehart agreed, and said the situation is even more complicated because the affair has been made public worldwide.

“If she was in love, her heart’s broken. And anybody who has had her heart broken knows that feeling,” she said. “Plus, she has the humiliation. And she cares about this person. It can be very traumatic to be going through this.

“It’s heart-wrenching.”

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How to mend after affair

Although every relationship is different, here are some steps necessary for mending a broken marriage, offered by the Mayo Clinic.

End the affair and all interaction and communication with the lover, and be accountable. If you’ve had an affair, take responsibility.

Determine your shared goal. Be sure you both agree that you want to mend your marriage — but don’t make this decision in the heat of emotion. It might take time to sort things out. If you both want to reconcile, realize it will take time, energy and commitment.

Talk about it. Discuss what happened openly and honestly — no matter how difficult. Seek help from a licensed counselor who is experienced in dealing with infidelity and who can help you talk constructively about it.

Identify the issues. Infidelity often points to underlying problems. Examine your marriage to understand what contributed to the affair from both the cheater’s and the cheated upon’s perspective and how you can prevent it from happening again.

Restore trust. Make a commitment to rebuilding your marriage. Go to counseling together to confirm the commitment and to prevent secrecy from continuing to erode the relationship.

Time and forgiveness. Allow enough time to understand and heal. For many people, forgiveness is the hardest part of recovering from an affair. It isn’t likely to come quickly or easily — it may be a lifelong process.

The end — or not. Not every marriage touched by infidelity can — or should — be saved. Sometimes too much damage has been done, or both partners aren’t committed. Painful as it is, it’s important to acknowledge when this is the case.

SOURCE: MayoClinic.com

IN THEIR SHOES

Couples viewing the Sanford affair could have diverse feelings, says Linda Olson, director of the Columbia Pastoral Counseling Center. Three examples she offered:

• Some couples in similar circumstances could feel almost normalized and validated. They might think: If it can happen to the governor, it can happen to anyone.

• Couples on shaky ground might feel threatened, thinking: If the governor’s marriage — with strong family values and plenty of resources — is in trouble, why should we even try to work things out.

• For families and couples watching the profound pain it has caused for everyone involved, they could redouble their efforts at working together to avoid going through the same thing.

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