I SAW A bizarre thing on TV the other night. Quite strange by September standards, at least.
The American League king New York Yankees were brawling with the "Are we at 70 wins yet?" Toronto Blue Jays.
"What's the point of baseball players punching each other at this point of the season?" I asked my evil twin brother Orville.
"They had to fight," he said. "It's a last resort."
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"On whose part? For Jorge Posada? Jesse Carlson?"
"For everyone who works in baseball," Orville explained as he opened one of his new boxes of Cuban cigars. "Football's back, and fans are already swept away by the huge stakes on the line for both the pro and college teams. Baseball can't just swing a stick at a ball for the next few weeks of the regular season and think that'll keep anyone's focus.
"Trust me, by this time next week they'll be launching bottle rockets at each other from their dugouts. In two weeks they'll be lighting squirrels on fire."
"Squirrels?" I asked.
Orville shrugged. "A lot of squirrels hang around ballparks."
Well, we've had dog scandals in the NFL. Maybe squirrel scandals are the next big thing. On to the picks!
Guesspert's Glad Tidings
QB: Last week, Joe Flacco lit up the Chiefs for three touchdowns, 307 yards, and one pick. Now he's facing a Chargers defense that the Raiders picked apart.
RB: How lucky is Buffalo's Fred Jackson? Not only does he get to carry the rock in Marshawn Lynch's absence, but also he gets to do it in Week 2 against the Bucs.
WR: Does your league have a "flex" position? You know, where you're allowed to choose to start a running back, wide receiver or maybe even tight end for one spot? Insert ex-Gator Percy Harvin into the flex position against the Lions, and it'll remind him of his days against SEC also-rans.
DEF: Seattle might not pitch a second shutout in a row, but the squad will bring the leverage on Shaun Hill and pressure him into picks.
Evilpert's Bad News
QB: Mark Sanchez ripped Houston in his debut. But even a depleted Patriots squad can have him scrambling back to Texas by the third quarter.
RB: Please tell me you didn't draft Detroit's Kevin Smith AGAIN, thinking: "This is the year he finally becomes a weapon."
WR: Chicago's Devin Hester is trying to break through as Chicago's go-to receiver is a "Little Engine That Could" story. Whenever I'm on board a train, I'm dying to pull the emergency break when nobody's looking.
DEF: The Bears' going away present for Brian Urlacher? A card that says "Take us with you!"
SEASON TO DATE:
Greg 4-0, Orville 3-1
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"Once I get done tailgating this afternoon, I'm going to try to find Howard Schnellenberger and see if I can trade a box of my Cubans for one of his pipes. Got one with an Owl logo on the side, coach?"