Whew, what a rough week.
Usually after writing this column, I might get a few compliments and a few complaints. But I never expected the barrage I got this week.
First, Serena Williams storms into the building, points a tennis racket menacingly in my face and screams that she's going to shove one of those fuzzy balls down my throat if I make any more jokes about her or sister Venus.
Next, a red-faced Joe Wilson shows up at my desk waving a few papers at me and shouts, "You lie!" Apparently, he didn't like that crack I made about Mark Sanford providing Argentinian soulmate Maria Belen Chapur with free health coverage.
Finally, Kanye West strolls into the newsroom with a bullhorn and starts telling my colleagues how much he likes those Ron Morris columns better than mine.
Good grief. Whatever happened to the good old days of civility, when readers would mail an anonymous profanity-laced letter questioning my heritage, my looks and my writing ability?
It almost makes me afraid to round up this week's top sports headlines. But with my bodyguards, Moose and Rocco, standing behind me, I'm going to keep on keeping on.
Kyle Busch eliminated from the NASCAR Chase after coming up shot in Chevy Rock & Roll 400. Busch claims he would have qualified for the Chase if he had been running in the Buick Easy Listening 350.
Michael Jordan rips everyone in his Hall of Fame induction speech. Then he took his basketball and went home.
Stephen F. Austin defeats Texas College 92-0 in football. But the game was much closer than the score indicated. It felt more like 78-0.
USC football team attempts to fix kickoff-return coverage after Georgia game. Gamecocks players no longer will hold signs that read, "Pass Go, Collect $200."
Carolina Panthers get thumped by Eagles in season opener. Things went so bad for quarterback Jake Delhomme that his three-piece snack from Bojangles was intercepted in the drive-thru lane on the way home.
Tiger Woods coasts to victory in BMW Championship. But in these tough economic times, the only car he got for winning was a 1975 Datsun B210.
New mother Kim Clijsters wins U.S. Open. That's quite an accomplishment given the difficulty of winning a championship match while trying to hit crosscourt winners carrying an 18-month-old in a baby backpack.
Three NFL players announce they'll donate brains to science. In response, three Nobel Prize winners announce they'll donate their hamstrings to the Hall of Fame in Canton.
Giants' Randy Johnson throws a simulated game in recovery from injury. Afterward, he held a simulated news conference and went out for a simulated dinner.
ACC officials say trick plays should not have been allowed in Clemson-Georgia Tech game. Those plays are only legal during Halloween week.
Juan Martin del Potro stuns Roger Federer in U.S. Open final. It's hard to say what's more surprising - that Federer lost a Grand Slam match or that del Potro's name fit on the trophy.
Ray Romano is set to star in a Golf Channel reality show. It's going to be called "Nobody Loves a Double Bogey."
Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher out with season-ending injury. Worst case of helmet rash anybody ever has seen.
Tom Brady rallies Pats to win over Bills in return. NFL script writers are saying last year's missed season was a dream, like Bobby Ewing had.
Yankee Stadium home-run record is broken in first year of new ballpark. The New York Post reports Babe Ruth is hoping to return from the afterlife so he can take a new run at Barry Bonds.
NCAA recommends volleyball programs halt handshakes to slow spread of swine flu. Coaches are asking players to blow kisses at the other team from 100 feet.
Detroit's Magglio Ordonez earns $18 million contract option with fifth-inning ground ball. Just imagine how much it would have been worth if he had hit a long fly ball in the ninth.
Philadelphia Eagles add Michael Vick to 53-man practice roster. Guess you could say he's finally out of the doghouse.
Major League Baseball logo celebrates 40th anniversary. Forty-two-year-old John Smoltz says it seems like yesterday the logo was created.
USC set to open next season on Thursday night against Southern Miss. ESPN expects that game to coincide with Brett Favre announcing he has one season of eligibility remaining at Southern Miss.
Usain Bolt is getting a highway named after him in Jamaica. Why, of course, speeding will be allowed.
Former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda to have portrait hung in Smithsonian Institution's National Gallery. Please, let's hope it's not a nude.
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan records 70-second message to inspire season-ticket holders before New England game. Somewhere, Bill Belichick has a secret videotape of Ryan recording his message.
Slumping Chipper Jones speaks about retirement. Looks like the rest of the Braves retired in July.
Clemson receiver Xavier Dye quits, then asks to return. Dabo Swinney said he could come back if he were willing to change his name to Xabo.
Jordin and Dustin Lindsey arrested for role in Alabama bar brawl. Steve Spurrier suspended them for the next alumni game, pending the investigation.
Jimmie Johnson starts as the three-time defending champion in the Sprint Cup Chase. Not to be confused with former coach Jimmy Johnson, the three-time defending champion in the Hairspray Can Chase.
President Obama says Chicago is ready in bid to host 2016 Olympic Games. Sarah Palin says she's pulling for her old neighboring city of Moscow.
Miami pounds Georgia Tech in football. Clemson officials are insisting their Oct. 24 game is against Miami of Ohio.