NO ONE LIKES to find out the deck has been stacked all along.
But that's what happened when Cincinnati's Chad Ochocinco scored a touchdown against Green Bay on Sunday. He promised he would make a Lambeau Leap, and he sure did, right into the arms of three orange-and-black-clad fans in the first row.
Wow, what are the odds that Bengals fans could land prime seats in enemy territory?
Turns out they were stationed there because Chad bought the tickets.
I asked my evil twin brother Orville if he had ever heard of such a blatantly premeditated touchdown celebration that we were supposed to believe was spontaneous.
"Yup. Gus Frerotte, November 1997."
"The head-butting into the padding on the cement wall? Where he sprained his neck? That was on purpose?"
"You bet. He had given his chiropractor front-row seats. Gus was to mess up his neck on purpose, then the boneologist was supposed to jump down on the field and set him straight."
"So why didn't that happen?"
"Gus forgot the chiropractor was sitting in the other end zone."
Speaking of best-laid plans going awry ... on to the picks!
Guesspert's Glad Tidings
QB: Last Sunday, Aaron Rodgers ran out of time to rally against the Bengals. Against the Rams, he should have enough time in the pocket to finish the new Dan Brown book.
RB: Yeah, you're facing a brutal Jets run defense. But, Chris Johnson, after your rushing touchdowns of 57 yards and 91 yards and a 68-yard touchdown catch against the Texans, I promise never to bench you the rest of the season. That goes for your Week 7 bye, too.
WR: No doubt the hot waiver wire pickup this week was the Giants' Mario Manningham. If I had managed to claim him, no doubt he'd miss everything Eli throws at him. But the Bucs defense will give him plenty of leeway.
DEF: The Saints' Darren Sharper has three picks on the year. The Bills' Trent Edwards will finish Sunday wishing he had handed off more.
Evilpert's Bad News
QB: Hey, someone tell Brady Quinn that the Arena Football League is about to reboot.
RB: Darren McFadden is going up against a Denver rush defense that gives up 70 yards per game. We get the feeling the Raiders offense would like to gain 70 yards this season.
WR: Randy Moss is questionable against Atlanta with a back injury. We're questioning what Bill Belichick is going to have to resort to once the Patriots are 1-2 (and should be 0-3!).
DEF: I had picked up Washington's defense because I thought Albert Haynesworth and his pals would be able to knock around the Lions in Week 3. But fan discontent is reaching such a fever pitch in D.C., I think Redskins nation will get more pleasure if they see the Lions win 31-9.
LAST WEEK: Greg 3-1, Orville 4-0
SEASON TO DATE: Greg 7-1, Orville 7-1
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"I don't know if I would accept front-row tickets from Chad Ochocinco if I had to cheer for him. But I would accept owner's box passes from Jerry Jones so I could trash the room after I drank all his scotch."