Sports

October 17, 2009

NFL Guesspert: Balloon payback brings sinking feeling

IS IT ME, or did that runaway balloon in Colorado look like it was part of the world's lamest "Salute to 'The X-Files'" homecoming parade float ever?

IS IT ME, or did that runaway balloon in Colorado look like it was part of the world's lamest "Salute to 'The X-Files'" homecoming parade float ever?

I've seen discarded Jiffy Pop cookers that looked like more technically advanced science projects.

We can laugh about it now, because the kid's OK. But after growing up with an evil twin brother like Orville, I can tell you some stories about hide and seek pranks gone awry.

See, O. and I were never the "build a balloon to fly away" types. We were more the "dig a hole to China" types. It started off by digging behind the garage looking for buried treasure. Every now and then one of us would find the random 1947 wheat penny or disfigured "Star Wars" Stormtrooper action figure.

But then Orville figured out how to build Burmese tiger pits on our front walkway for the days the mailman was supposed to deliver my college football preview magazines. Which is why I've had a P.O. box since age 9. We must have been the youngest kids in the neighborhood to have a thorough knowledge of our state's "lying in wait" statutes.

OK, enough hiding from this week's starters. Seek the picks!

Guesspert's Glad Tidings

QB: Remember when Tom Brady was scoring huge fantasy points on the field AND the tabloids? Bring in the Titans to Foxborough to solve one of those problems.

RB: Pittsburgh's Rashard Mendenhall will brings the leverage against the Browns' league-worst rush defense. Then again, so could a 6-year-old kid with a balloon.

WR: Brandon Marshall, we're giving you the "MNF" stage to shine. Deal?

DEF: I will never apologize for calling out Julius Peppers when the Panthers are on their way to visit the Bucs.

Evilpert's Bad News

QB: Injured Eli Manning is going against a Saints D that has 10 picks on the year. How do some handoffs sound?

RB: Nothing personal, Ray Rice, but you phased out my man Willis McGahee in Baltimore. So hey, have fun against the Vikings.

WR: This is what I get for counting on San Diego's Vincent Jackson. Pfft.

DEF: The Ravens have the league's 26-worst pass defense. Paging Brett Favre to Sidney Rice.

BYE BABIES: Colts, Dolphins, Cowboys, 49ers

LAST WEEK: Greg 3-1, Orville 2-2

SEASON TO DATE: Greg 15-5, Orville 13-7

ORVILLE'S LAST WORD

"Remember when the most trouble a 6-year-old could get into with a balloon was sucking out all the helium in order to talk like a demented Muppet?"

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