ENOUGH OF THIS penny-ante Fantasy Football guesswork.
I need to move to where the real money is in not knowing what you're talking about.
I'm talking about becoming a Major League Baseball umpire.
Have you seen some of these calls the officials are making in the playoffs? This is a question for the fans only, not the actual umps. I doubt they've seen what A-Rod's jersey number is yet.
According to a USA Today story, umpires earn up to $350,000 for seven to eight months of work. I assume through the rest of the year they rest their eyes on their own dime.
Actually, my evil twin brother Orville claims he charged $350,000 to construct some weird UFO-looking balloon for some jerk in Colorado who wanted to be on a reality show. But think with a little instruction, I can do what the boys in blue do.
Telling the difference between balls and strikes is pretty obvious. I'd probably need a refresher course to make sure I had the infield fly rule down. Other than that, this is all I'd need to work on:
1. Instructions on how to drag two and a half hours of game time to over five hours.
2. Judging how far away players can be from a base and still be called safe when tagged.
3. Lobbying to have instant replay available for any dispute - but then still blowing the call after further review.
4. How to call phantom excessive celebration penalties after key touchdowns ... oops, wrong sport.
5. Figuring out if taking female fertility drugs around the clubhouse would make me one of the guys.
I could be wrong about if I'm umpire material. But evidently being wrong as an umpire doesn't bring all that many consequences. On to the picks!
Guesspert's Glad Tidings
QB: Ben Roethlisberger at home against the Vikings? He gets my vote.
RB: If Brett Favre can use revenge as a motivator bring the leverage against the Packers, Cedric Benson can use revenge as a motivator to pry something loose against the Bears.
WR: Randy Moss has four TDs this year and Wes Welker has three. Against the Bucs in London, each guy could double those numbers.
DEF: A week after shutting out Detroit, the Packers head to Cleveland. You do the math.
Evilpert's Bad News
QB: Someone offered me a multi-player trade this week where he would have given me Jay Cutler for Chad Henne. As the Dolphins line up against the Saints, I'm thinking: Why did I delete that e-mail?
RB: Brandon Jacobs should be used to grind out the clock on the Cardinals in the second half. But the Giants treat their air attack like it's their favorite toy.
WR: If you've got Santana Moss, you're thinking any shakeup to the Redskins' playcalling will be an improvement. But your best shake Monday night will be from McDonald's.
DEF: The Falcons offense doesn't do all that many thing that great, but that doesn't mean the Cowboys defense will stop them.
BYE BABIES: Denver, Seattle, Detroit, Jacksonville, Baltimore, Tennessee
LAST WEEK: Greg 3-1, Orville 2-2
SEASON TO DATE: Greg 18-6, Orville 15-9
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"Aside from 6-0 Denver, this week's other five bye-week babies are a combined 9-21. If only we could send those teams to London and leave them there."