AS I WRITE my annual "Texans vs. Lions" diatribe, I'm struck by the memory that my very first choice this fantasy football season was - "Texans or Lions?"
For my league with out-of-town friends, we annually pick a Sunday afternoon where we dedicate an hour and a half online to run our draft. That cyber-war room has a chat board for smack talk and everything.
That afternoon started with me running to my laptop, knowing that it's about four minutes past our scheduled start time, and not knowing where I'm picking in my draft order.
Magic! I get in to our site, and I'm just in time. I'm picking fifth out of 12 people. Everyone gets a maximum of a minute and a half to make a pick. On the clock is the fifth selectee (me!), and if I don't choose a player in 37 seconds, the computer will automatically pick one for me.
I see that the computer, in its infinite wisdom (or maybe it was programmed by my evil twin brother Orville), had me lined up to automatically receive Calvin Johnson.
No offense to the Lions' best wide receiver - but anyone who uses their first-round draft pick on ANY Detroit player will end up with fewer wins than the real Lions will earn.
The countdown clock is in single digits. I still can't make heads or tails of the draft-room interface, but I do see that there's really only one player I can click on to save any sort of face: Houston Texans wide receiver Andre Johnson.
Again, probably not the greatest first-round fantasy draft pick one can make in 2009. But to date he's got my league's fourth-best fantasy receiver stats, with 697 yards and four touchdowns. Poor Calvin has had a knee injury, and has 325 yards and one touchdown.
If I had been picking out of the fourth spot, I would have had silver and blue egg on my face.
In real space, the Texans are 5-3 - the first time since the franchise started seven seasons ago that they're two games above .500 - while the Lions are continuing their string of bringing absolutely zero leverage whatsoever at 1-6.
Here's how pathetic the Lions are: Since 2001, Detroit has earned 32 wins (2+3+5+6+5+3+7+0+1) ... while Houston has 45 (4+5+7+2+6+8+8+5).
Why am I obsessed in comparing how many games these microscopically relevant teams have won since 2001?
BECAUSE THE TEXANS DID NOT EXIST UNTIL 2002.
That's right. With a 16-game head start, the storied Detroit Lions have won 13 fewer games than a lackluster expansion franchise.
Did I mention that the Texans have remaining games against the Titans, Jaguars, Seahawks and Rams?
Detroit has ... silver and blue egg on every inch of the franchise.
And unless it's Easter, you don't want to eat any silver and blue egg. To the picks!
Guesspert's Glad Tidings
QB: Maybe Dan Snyder can put his money to good use and try to bribe Matt Ryan to have a bad day against the Redskins.
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew will bring miles of leverage against the Chiefs. The Jaguars would be miles below .500 if it weren't for this guy.
WR: I've going to be charitable and say Calvin Johnson will be motivated to break the plane against Seattle in his first game back from injury. After all, the Seattle defense is charitable in its own right.
DEF: The Packers are going to Tampa Bay to treat the Bucs like a case of cheap beer on spring break.
Evilpert's Bad News
QB: If Donovan McNabb gets shut down by the Cowboys, I'd love to ask him questions about the Wildcat formation in the postgame news conference.
RB: Someone just offered me a trade package that included taking LaDainian Tomlinson and a receiver if I gave up DeAngelo Williams. If he reads this column today, he should know my answer.
WR: Not rooting against Devin Hester, but he's the lowest producing skill player on my roster. Against Arizona might be his last chance to step up.
DEF: Sorry, Texans defense. Greg's love-fest ends here. You are facing Peyton Manning this week.
BYE BABIES: Vikings, Bills, Jets, Raiders, Rams, Browns
LAST WEEK: Greg 3-1, Orville 3-1
SEASON TO DATE: Greg 25-7, Orville 20-12
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"Who knew a New Mexico vs. BYU women's soccer game could have more bad blood than a South Carolina vs. Clemson football game?"