NFL Guesspert: 1 is loneliest number for Lions, Browns
11/21/2009 12:00 AM
11/21/2009 12:20 AM
WE'RE RUNNING OUT of teams in the NFL that still have only one win apiece.
Cleveland, Detroit, Tampa Bay and St. Louis are a fearsome foursome at a combined 4-32.
Looking at that list of 1-8 teams inspires one huge question:
How on earth have Kansas City and Oakland managed two wins apiece?
Meanwhile, things aren't looking up for our one-loss wonders this weekend.
The Bucs are 11 1/2-point underdogs at home to the 9-0 Saints. I'll shave a creamsicle throwback uniform into my head if New Orleans stumbles.
Against the Cardinals, the Rams are merely 9-point dogs at home (where they have lost nine games in a row). With history as my guide, I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt to Kurt Warner on the turf of St. Louis' Edward Jones Dome.
The good news for the Browns and Lions is that one team won't be 1-9 after Sunday.
The bad news for football fans is that these teams play each other in Detroit.
What does it take for Detroit - which is on a 1-24 slide - to be a 3 1/2-point favorite?
Try playing host to a team coming off a short week after being blanked on Monday Night Football.
If that's not enough motivation for Detroit rookie QB Matthew Stafford, maybe the former Georgia star will be inspired to win one for UGA VII, who passed away this week.
That poor Bulldog just finished the shortest stint of any of his predecessors. A mere 23 games, with a 16-7 record.
My evil twin brother Orville - who, I should warn, is not a dog person - thinks Cleveland has a chance, despite the fact he read in the USA Today that four of the Browns' road losses have been by at least 13 points.
"I say the final score is going to be Browns 10, UGA VII, Stafford four picks, three fans in the stands at the end of the game, two "Twilight" movies, one awful football game and zero points for the Lions."
I can think of only one thing worse than that:
Two teams that end the game 1-8-1. To the picks!
Guesspert's Glad Tidings
QB: I was listening to a radio show call Donovan McNabb the worst elite QB of 2009. Hey, he's the best name on my roster.
RB: OK, Ricky Williams already tore up the Panthers. I just need to keep kicking myself for not nabbing him as a free agent. Ah, who am I kidding, he would have been on my bench even if I did pick him up.
WR: Can Chad Ochocinco bribe the Raiders to play any worse?
DEF: Washington is 0-4 on the road. If the Dallas defense gets in trouble, it can always turn its big-screen TV to another channel to distract the 'Skins.
Evilpert's Bad News
QB: The Bills' new coach named Ryan Fitzpatrick as his starter. Future decisions will not be any easier.
RB: Thomas Jones + Rex Ryan equals more tears.
WR: Allen Iverson won't catch anything for the N.Y. Giants. OK, it's the Knicks who just turned him down. But if the Giants season gets any worse, it might want to pick up The Answer to divert the media.
DEF: Sorry, Ravens defense. That Peyton Manning guy really wants to be 10-0.
LAST WEEK: Greg 4-0, Orville 1-3
SEASON TO DATE: Greg 30-10, Orville 22-18
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"OK, so chicks think it's cool to be dangerous and choose between a vampire and a werewolf. Wake me up when they think it's cool to date a dirtbag."
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