QUESTION: WHO WILL play the next Super Bowl halftime?
Answer: The Who.
Follow-up question: Why?
The NFL confirmed the February gig during its Thanksgiving games - apparently after an exhaustive, worldwide search that failed to find any rock band older than The Who.
After also hosting the Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney, we're all aware the Super Bowl loves to see British musical acts that had some of their greatest hits years before Super Bowl I was played in 1967.
The Who is so old, their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was in 1990 ... before some of your favorite freshmen college football players were born.
Do Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend even know what a Super Bowl is? It's probably the strangest American pop culture phenomenon that's had to have been explained to them since "WKRP in Cincinnati" made a heartfelt episode about their Riverfront Coliseum tragedy.
The good news is this could be a sign from the football gods that the New Orleans Saints have a date with destiny. Who better than The Who to serenade the first Super Bowl appearance for the franchise whose fans scream "Who dat?"
My evil twin brother Orville is way too cynical to comment about whether the performance will be worth listening to. After all, we're probably talking about a set of four of their greatest hits that are played every day all year long on the classic rock station anyway.
But his favorite part of the whole halftime charade is this: The NFL does not pay one penny to these artists for their time. Production costs are covered, and that's it.
Sure, if we wanted to book The Who to play halftime of Carolina-Clemson today, it'd cost more than the payout of 10 papajohns.com bowls.
But the most powerful professional sports organization in the hemisphere? They just call up the Bruce Springsteens, Tom Pettys and Princes of the world and say, "Can you do us a big favor and sing a tune or two for free? You can keep any spare change and red M&Ms you find in the green room couch." And it works.
This time, I'm calling a boycott. I'm going to say I won't watch the Super Bowl halftime even if you paid me. But if Roger Goodell wants to lend me a Casio keytar so I can play my version of "Substitute," my appearance fee is lunch with Drew Brees. To the picks!
Guesspert's Glad Tidings
QB: Prediction: Against the Chiefs, Philip Rivers will account for more points than Ryan Succop will be able to counter.
RB: With the fantasy gods as my witnesses, my 5-6 team will make the playoffs with Seattle's Justin Forsett as one of my emergency starters.
WR: Prediction: Chad Ochocinco will follow his four catches for 67 yards performance in Oakland with something slightly better against Cleveland.
DEF: The Vikings will make Jay Cutler wish he was back in Denver. And I don't mean back with the Broncos, I mean hiding in the mountains.
Evilpert's Bad News
QB: Irony: If Ben Roethlisberger gets his bell rung any harder, he won't be in Big Ben shape much longer.
RB: You can't blame Houston's Steve Slaton for missing all those field goals. Well, maybe if he scored more touchdowns, they wouldn't have to attempt field goals.
WR: Atlanta's Roddy White has been on a dry spell, but now faces the Bucs. I'm trying to work some reverse-jinx magic here, but the Falcons' passing game has been slow to react this year.
DEF: The Saints defense has been hot, but won't be against New England on Monday night - unless super-genius Belichick starts thinking too hard.
LAST WEEK: Greg 2-1, Orville 1-2
SEASON TO DATE: Greg 32-11, Orville 23-20
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"No, I'm not going to the Miley Cyrus concert tonight. I'm OK to wait to see her perform at the Super Bowl halftime in 2057."