December 5, 2009

NFL Guesspert: Leave a message at the creep

I PICKED UP my phone this morning and heard this message on my voice mail:

I PICKED UP my phone this morning and heard this message on my voice mail:

"Hey, it's Orville. The guy you feel compelled to introduce at every party as your 'evil twin brother.' Did you ever stop to think how that makes me feel?

"I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you - please - take the name of my fantasy team off the league standings. My bookie went through my inbox and may be calling you. So if you can, please take my name off that. Just have it listed as 'team to be named later' on the roster.

"You've got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye."

I can understand his panic. As lousy as he has been picking the NFL's lackluster performers each week in this forum, his fantasy team is even worse. His roster has more holes in it than the windows on Tigers' SUV.

That reminds me ... remember how in "Caddyshack," Chevy Chase's Ty Webb told Danny Noonan his chances of doing well went "right in the lumberyard"? I wonder if the new golfing metaphor for screwing up will be "right in the fire hydrant."

Talk about a water hazard. To the picks!

Guesspert's Glad Tidings

QB: Come on down, Matt Moore! You're the next contestant on the "don't the Panthers have ANYONE better than Jake Delhomme?" derby! Hey, he's going against a Bucs defense that is 0-5 on the road this year. They can't stop people they have game film on, let alone newbies.

RB: If you need a waiver wire pickup in a pinch, try a 911 call for Cincinnati's Larry Johnson to bring the leverage against the Lions.

WR: The Titans are proud of a five-game win streak. Reggie Wayne is gong to show why he's been able to stretch out Indy's streak of 20 regular-season wins in a row.

DEF: Denver Broncos. Everyone's been able to stop the Chiefs, whose go-to player seems to be Ryan Succop.

Evilpert's Bad News

QB: The Cowboys defense will be asking Eli Manning for his autograph. And by "asking for his autograph," I mean sacking him.

RB: Adrian Peterson was ticketed for driving 109 mph in a 55. Compared to Tiger Woods and Florida Gators defensive end Carlos Dunlap this week, Peterson is the star of a "safety first" traffic school film. So he's due to slow down in Arizona.

WR: Hines Ward. Seriously, after calling out Big Ben for sitting out a concussion, you think anything's going to be thrown his way?

DEF: Three words will go through the heads of Browns defenders after the Chargers are done with them: "Huge. Quickly. Bye."

LAST WEEK: Greg 3-1, Orville 3-1

SEASON: Greg 35-12, Orville 26-21


"Hofstra University ditched football because of its $4.5 million annual budget. You do realize, the typical big-time college program probably spends $4.3 million a year on pretzels."

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