OK, I'M OFFICIALLY freaking out now. And I'm blaming some rich guy's fancy TV for this.
For a few years, we sports fans have been upgrading to high-definition TVs. The pictures look so crystal clear it's like we can reach into the screen and touch the action.
Starting this summer, we'll be able to buy 3-D TVs. Well, we won't be able to afford them, but we'll have the ability to buy them. But eventually, the price will come down, and once we strap on a pair of their high-tech eye goggles it'll look like the action will reach out and touch us.
Which leads us to Friday when I was driving to my job at The State. I couldn't help but notice it was, uh ... snowing.
Never miss a local story.
And I'm thinking in horror: We have snow in Columbia? On the opening night of the Winter Olympics?
This was no coincidence. There was only one explanation: Some company invented the next-next generation of TVs where actual weather gets beamed into your home and didn't tell the general public about it.
But sure enough, some rich jerk found a way to get his hands on one before news of it went global. Then something went haywire when he was installing it. And thanks to him we had to get ready for 4 inches of the stuff in Five Points.
Does that sound like something I just made up? I don't care. Because I wish Olympics organizers would admit that half of these Olympic sports are made up.
I'm fine with most of the offerings: Figure skating, speed skating, skiing, snowboarding, ice hockey. You'd have to be living under a rock - or have a truly pitiful cable TV package - to never have heard of those things.
But skeleton? Nordic combined? Biathlon? You can't convince me that people dedicate 10 or 15 years of their lives to training for these things. Each sounds like something that was invented on the spot. Any of those athletes you see interviewed on NBC were working at Play It Again Sports until a week ago.
The TV listings say Sunday night's episode of "The Simpsons" will feature a salute to curling. That makes sense, because curling sounds like something "Simpsons" writers would make up along with Duff beer, Krusty Burgers and Conan O'Brien.
But whether we understand each sport or not, my evil twin brother Orville and I will cheer on anyone competing in red, white and blue.
We even have a side bet going as to which will happen first: The U.S. men's hockey team will bring home the gold medal ... or the Columbia Inferno hockey team will return home in any way, shape or form.
Hopefully, we'll get a cool winter sport such as ice hockey back in town before we get enough snow to attract a skeleton team.
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"I'll believe Texas will join the Big Ten right after the Longhorns hockey team qualifies for the NCAA Frozen Four."