Hey, cool it with the hot jokes!

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of Columbia. Harry Truman said that. No, wait, it was Joe Pinner who said that.

At any rate, it’s hot. Really hot.

It’s so hot that everybody is telling “it’s so hot” jokes. You can’t get away from them. And they’re the same jokes people tell during every heat wave.

It’s so hot I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner.

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel soaking his nuts in Gatorade.

It’s so hot I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

It’s so hot I saw Andrew Sorensen wearing a bow tie and nothing else.

Enough! No more hot jokes. Let’s just move on to the past week’s hottest headlines.

CONVERSE CHELLIS ELECTED NEW STATE TREASURER You can spot him by his trademark high-top Chuck Taylors and pocket calculator.

MARK SANFORD BLASTS LEGISLATORS FOR HASTILY ELECTING ONE OF THEIR OWN TO TAKE TREASURER’S JOB The governor was really bitter they didn’t consider one of his friends.

EDUCATION LOTTERY GRANTS MAY BE CAPPED Lawmakers want to make sure the populace isn’t too well-educated because then they might not be re-elected.

NEW HILTON CONVENTION CENTER HOTEL OPENS It should only be a matter of time before we land that big National Association of Insurance Commissioners convention. Everybody say, “Party!”

COLUMBIA GOLF CENTER NAMED FOR REP. JIM CLYBURN In a related note, the course’s ball washers were named for Rep. Joe Wilson.

BARRY BONDS BREAKS HANK AARON’S HOME RUN MARK He then celebrated by adding another quarter-inch to his hat size.

“THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM” BLOWS AWAY “THE SIMPSONS MOVIE” AT THE BOX OFFICE Funny thing is, Jason Bourne doesn’t even remember carrying out that hit on Homer Simpson.

COMPUTERS TOP SELLERS DURING TAX-FREE WEEKEND The second-best sellers were those Lindsay Lohan backpacks with the secret contraband compartments.

STEVE SPURRIER BLASTS ADMISSIONS PROCESS AFTER TWO RECRUITS DENIED Spurrier insisted those F’s on their transcripts stood for “Fantastic.”

USC ADMISSIONS OFFICIALS DEFEND DECISIONS Several professors responded by saying Spurrier should have called a different play on fourth down against Auburn.

STUDY FINDS THAT PRESCHOOLERS SAY ANY FOOD MADE BY MCDONALD’S TASTES BETTER Now if only farmers could find a way to grow broccoli so it looks like Chicken McNuggets.

NATIONAL NIGHT OUT EVENTS BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER IN NEIGHBORHOODS We finally got to meet our neighbor when he caught us breaking into his car.

COLUMBIA-OWENS DOWNTOWN AIRPORT RUNWAY SHUT DOWN FOR THREE WEEKS FOR REPAIRS Pilots have been instructed to land on South Holly Street instead.

LINDSEY GRAHAM CENSURED BY GREENVILLE COUNTY REPUBLICANS FOR IMMIGRATION STANCE Graham has now reached out to the Greenville County Republicans by offering to take them on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

S.C. GOP PICKS JAN. 19 AS PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY DATE It’ll be the Palmetto State’s opportunity to vote for the primary poll leader, “None of the above.”