Pseudo-historical tidbits about the history of your USC

Today’s back-to-school issue of Weekend is filled with all sorts of useful information for returning USC students.

Of course, everybody caters to the students around these parts this time of year. We’ll do anything to make their lives easier and more fun-filled.

Too bad kids these days just want to know where they can grab a tasty latte and find wireless access. They don’t really seem to care about the history of the fine university they’re attending.

Well, this old codger is going to force-feed them a little historical perspective. So put down that fancy coffee and laptop and learn something from the following USC timeline.

1801: The South Carolina College is founded by the General Assembly just after higher-education lobbyists hold a big boozy barbecue dinner for lawmakers.

1805: Classes finally start after four years of confusion putting together schedules in the registrar’s office. Nine students show up for the first day of class; four of them skip the second day.

1825: President Thomas Cooper names the library after himself and digs the first hole for the duck pond.

1841: History professor Francis Lieber starts a Saturday afternoon sporting and social activity known as “Horseshoes on the Horseshoe.”

1861: The college closes when its students go off to fight the Civil War, which, according to one theory, is the origin of the Chicken Curse.

1880: The school reinvents itself as an agricultural college, which lasts only until students realize that nobody looks good in overalls unless you have an orange T-shirt to go with them.

1892: Tired of horseshoes, the school starts a football program by losing its only game to Furman 44-0, thereby eliminating it from bowl contention that season.

1903: The State newspaper starts calling the football team the Gamecocks, a vast improvement over the original nickname, Labradoodles.

1906: The school is rechartered as the University of South Carolina, prompting the first of many lawsuits from the University of Southern California for identity theft of the USC handle.

1915: Ernie Ackerman leads the first panty raid in school history, only to be tragically killed when co-eds misunderstand his request and throw an entire chest of drawers filled with panties onto his head from a second-floor dorm room. A memorial plaque now sits in his final resting place on the women’s quad.

1921: The introduction of new colleges and degree programs includes a the first-of-its-kind basket-weaving major for basketball players.

1933: Prohibition ends, which prompts an all-day kegger on the intramural field after the Rudy Vallee concert.

1945: Steve Spurrier is born, which will not become important until later.

1947: The shag is banned at fraternity dances after school officials say it can only lead to necking and God knows what else in the back seat of a Chrysler Town & Country.

1953: The first branch campus opens — USC Gilbert.

1958: An anonymous student shoots the first bottle rocket through the veil blocks of the new Towers dorm.

1964: Frank McGuire becomes the basketball coach. Five years later, 734,000 Baptists have converted to Catholicism.

1970: War protesters take over the president’s office and run the school for the next three years.

1974: The streaking craze hits USC. One student, Ben Yukon, sets a school record by going to every single class naked for an entire year. A statue of his crumpled pile of clothes now stands at the back of the Russell House where he first took them off.

1978: President Jim Holderman begins his reign of extravagant gift-giving to world figures by offering the Carolina Coliseum to Uganda’s Idi Amin.

1984: Students spend the year dressing in black, wearing dark sunglasses and smoking cigarettes in honor of football coach Joe Morrison. It’s known as the start of the Goth movement on campus.

1991: The Board of Trustees creates an incredible uproar when it votes to ban all left-handed students. The ban is later lifted in a compromise worked out by a coalition of ambidextrous students.

1998: Darla Moore gives $33 million to the School of Business, which causes great joy among administration officials until she asks for $8 million in change.

2001: The bicentennial is celebrated, but the festivities are marred when the film commissioned to honor the 200-year anniversary oddly focuses on Sparky Woods.

2007: Students ignore important historical stories in The State so they can keep text-messaging their friends at Starbucks.