Diehard fans poised to move into Williams-Brice

Senior citizens still frisky; ‘Queen of Mean’ checks out

College football season is just a week away, and now there’s talk about expanding the Gamecock Empire. The latest buzz has 8,000 seats being added to Williams-Brice Stadium by 2010 to push capacity to 90,000 or so.

You know, it won’t be long before USC bumps it all the way to 150,000 seats and requires fans to live in the stadium year-round if they want to keep their tickets. It’ll be like a city-within-a-city: Cockville — Where The People Never Leave.

And you know what? The diehards will happily do it.

OK, let’s go to the rest of the week’s top headlines, most of which have little to do with USC football.

‘AMERICAN IDOL’ HOPEFULS TRY OUT IN NORTH CHARLESTON We could have saved most of these folks the trouble of driving down and standing in line by telling them in our best Simon Cowell accent: You’re atrocious!

PARENTS HELP USC STUDENTS MOVE INTO DORMS Just put that bong over there in the corner next to the mini-fridge, Mom.

TERESA EARNHARDT DENIES DALE EARNHARDT JR.’S REQUEST TO TAKE NO. 8 TO HIS NEW CAR We haven’t seen this many stepmother issues since Cinderella.

RUTH’S CHRIS STEAK HOUSE OPENS IN CONVENTION HOTEL Columbia steak lovers haven’t been this excited since Western Sizzlin’ and Western Steer were across the street from each other on Knox Abbott Drive.

MICHAEL VICK ADMITS GUILT IN DOGFIGHTING CASE His punishment will consist of being dipped in gravy and dropped off at a Virginia dog shelter.

RIC FLAIR VISITS COLUMBIA HOSPITAL The Nature Boy poked one doctor in the eye with his thumb, choked another with a stethoscope and then jumped on an operating table and screamed “WOOOOOOOOOOO!”

ATLANTA DEVELOPER SECRETIVE ABOUT PROJECT AT HARDEN AND GERVAIS But we keep hearing rumors about an adventure theme park called Coble World.

‘QUEEN OF MEAN’ HOTELIER LEONA HELMSLEY DIES Wait until she sees the accommodations Satan has ready for her. No mints on the pillows there.

FOURTEEN 100-DEGREE DAYS SETS AUGUST RECORD It’s gotten so bad that Krispy Kreme has started leaving the “Hot” light on 24 hours a day.

FAN TO SELL BARRY BONDS’ HOME-RUN BALL NO. 756 AT AUCTION He better sell that thing before it depreciates faster than a ’75 Ford Pinto.

FEDERAL STUDY SHOWS SENIOR CITIZENS ARE SEXUALLY FRISKY No, Grandma, we don’t want to see your thong, your strawberry body lotion or your secret tattoo.

BILL MURRAY FACES DUI FOR CRUISING DOWNTOWN STOCKHOLM IN A GOLF CART He insisted the Dalai Lama was driving.

USC QB BLAKE MITCHELL SUSPENDED FOR FIRST GAME FOR MISSING CLASSES He quit going to class when the professor started posting bouncers at the door.

CHARLESTON WINE-TASTING EXPERT INDICTED WITH THOMAS RAVENEL ON DRUG CHARGES Doesn’t he know that drinking and drugs don’t mix?

AARP POLL SHOWS OLDER VOTERS WATCHING PRESIDENTIAL RACE CLOSELY Maybe that will help keep their minds off sex.

LAKE MURRAY TOURISM BOOMING No real surprise. The fish have been going there for years.