It’s all Gamecocks all the time

By NEIL WHITE - ntwhite@thestate.com

Welcome back from our station break on WTAT, 87.5 on your FM dial, for the Talk About Town morning show. (Jingle plays: “It’s time to talk in the morning!”)

Today we’re continuing to take only calls related to this Saturday’s SEC football showdown between No. 12 USC and No. 2 LSU. Nothing else matters, of course, so we’re asking everyone to please refrain from other topics such as the war, the presidential campaign and Britney Spears.

Let’s go back to the phone lines. You’re on the air, Norm from Newberry.

Norm: Woooooooooeee! How ’bout them Gamecocks!

Talk: OK, you’re the 47th person to do that this morning, Norm, and it’s starting to get annoying. Let’s try to have a little intelligent conversation here. How about you, Sam from Sumter?

Sam: Did you know that LSU’s mascot is a Bengal tiger, and the last three letters in Bengal are G-A-L. Guess that makes their football players a bunch of gals. Get it?

Talk: Well, I was hoping for a little intelligent conversation. So let’s see if we can get it from Connie from Camden.

Connie: What kind of defensive adjustments will Tyrone Nix have to devise to slow that high-powered LSU offense?

Talk: Whoa, hold on there, Connie, I’m not a football genius like John Madden or Teddy Heffner. Let’s go to Wendy from Winnsboro.

Wendy: So what do the Gamecocks have to do to win?

Talk: Score more points. You’re up next, Paul from Peak.

Paul: Do you know if Blake Mitchell is attending class?

Talk: I’m personally escorting him there myself every day, Paul. Let’s go to Ollie from Orangeburg.

Ollie: Are you also the guy who showed him how to throw three interceptions last week?

Talk: OK, I’ll admit that maybe I shouldn’t have suggested altering his throwing motion on the way to class. You’re on the air, Kim from Columbia.

Kim: I can’t believe you’re spending all of your air time talking about a dumb football game when there are far more important issues to discuss in the world, like the war or the presidential campaign.

Talk: All right then, Missy, this game’s going to be a real war, and if the Gamecocks win, Steve Spurrier should be president. How about that? Let’s try a question from Roger from Ridgeway.

Roger: Can you believe USC is a 16-point underdog?

Talk: I’m not going to talk about gambling on this show, especially since my bookie is threatening to have his friends, Moose and Rocco, pay me a visit. Let’s swing it over to Sal from Saluda.

Sal: This is your bookie, Sal, and if you don’t pay me that 550 bucks you owe me ... (click)

Talk: Oh, sorry, Sal, it appears you’ve been accidentally disconnected. I’m bringing in Charlene from Chester.

Charlene: If the Gamecocks win, will they be ranked in the Top 10?

Talk: Charlene, if the Gamecocks win, they’re going 13-0 and will be playing that other USC in the BCS national championship game in New Orleans. You’re on the air, Greg from Great Falls.

Greg: The Clemson Tigers are also highly ranked. Why aren’t you talking about them?

Talk: And why aren’t you calling a Greenville radio station, pal? Let’s see if Walter from Wedgefield has something better to offer.

Walter: I predict the Gamecocks will win 38-37 on a 63-yard field by Ryan Succop with no time remaining on the clock.

Talk: Calm down, Walter, and let’s try to temper that overactive imagination. Didn’t you also call in last week and tell me aliens had kidnapped your mother-in-law and probed her on their spaceship? You’re up, Larry from Lugoff.

Larry: Can the Head Ball Coach outsmart LSU’s Nick Saban?

Talk: Uh, Larry, you do know that Nick Saban coaches at Alabama, don’t you?

Larry: That’s not what my 2003 Street & Smith’s football magazine says.

Talk: Listen to the dial tone, Larry. Maybe we can get cogent analysis from Gus from Gaston.

Gus: The Gamecocks are going to blow through the state of Louisiana like Hurricane Katrina, baby!

Talk: That’s a tad inappropriate, Gus. Surely someone has something significant to offer. How about you, Elwood from Elgin?

Elwood: I don’t care what anybody else says. Britney Spears is still hot!

Talk: (sighs) Let’s try Stan from St. Matthews.

Stan: What kind of U.S. attorney general will Michael Mukasey be?

Talk: Football, Stan, football! Stay on topic! Norm’s on again?

Norm: Wooooooooeee! How ’bout them Gamecocks!

Talk: Heaven help me. And the Gamecocks.