Talk Back | Merry campaign to you all!

Shopping for the candidates in S.C.

As I sat in Williams-Brice Stadium on Sunday covering the Barack Obama rally featuring Oprah Winfrey, I had a sudden realization.

I hadn’t gotten Obama anything for Christmas. In fact, I hadn’t purchased one single present for any of the presidential candidates.

There’s only two shopping weeks left before the big day, and I knew that I needed to get out Monday to buy gifts for this group of adopted uncles and aunts who have crisscrossed our great state campaigning for the past year.

It seems only fair to show a little appreciation for folks who profess to have a great love of South Carolina voters. And, really, ’tis the season to give back in return.

So here’s what I got everyone. Pssst, please don’t tell any of them. I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

I got Hillary Clinton a case of Secret Platinum antiperspirant and deodorant with the Glacier Mist aroma. The Democratic race, which once looked to be a walk in the park for her, has really tightened up, and it appears as if she’s starting to sweat winning the nomination. So this seemed like the perfect gift.

There was no question about what to get Barack Obama. He’ll receive a copy of Ken Follett’s book “The Pillars of the Earth,” which is listed as “What We’re Reading Now” on the Web site for Oprah’s Book Club. Hey, if Oprah loves it, you know Obama will love it.

I was able to find a great present for new Republican front-runner Mike Huckabee. The former Arkansas governor has made a mad dash from oblivion to the top of the polls based in large part on his warm and fuzzy persona. So I found an stuffed animal of the Underdog cartoon character. He can tuck it under his arm while out on the campaign trail.

The former GOP top dog, Rudy Giuliani, is in a tough fight these days, and what does a tough guy like Rudy need when he’s in a street brawl? Brass knuckles, of course. I found them online at defensedevices.com. I just hope he doesn’t use them to beat the stuffing out of Underdog.

Picking out something for native son John Edwards was pretty easy, too. As he likes to remind all of us again and again, he was born in Seneca. So even though he deserted South Carolina for North Carolina when he was a baby, I still picked up a T-shirt and hat for him that feature the nifty state logo of the palmetto tree and crescent moon.

When it came time to get something for Mitt Romney, I was stumped. After all, the guy is filthy rich and can buy himself anything he wants. So I asked his pal Rudy for a suggestion, and he told me to get Mitt a practical gift like a spatula because he likes to flip on the issues so much. Man, that Rudy is quite a cut-up. I sprung, by the way, for a top-of-the-line Norpro Jumbo Spatula.

Another guy who’s tough to buy for is John McCain. He’s been around the block in his life so I’m sure he has everything he needs. But because his campaign seems to be making its last stand in New Hampshire, I got him a “Live Free or Die” desk plate. Not only is it New Hampshire’s state motto, but it also fits McCain’s personality.

I got Fred Thompson the “Law and Order” boxed DVD set. All 16 seasons, with 371 episodes on 96 DVDs. Man, that Adam Schiff was a great district attorney. Say, you don’t think Fred already has this, do you?

The other candidates don’t seem to have invested as much effort here, which means I didn’t invest as much time, thought or money in their gifts. But I still couldn’t leave them out because I don’t want them to think we’re a bunch of grinches here.

I bought grumpy old Mike Gravel a one-way bus ticket back to Alaska. Dennis Kucinich is getting a free tour of the UFO Welcome Center in Bowman. I found one of those little facsimile license plates in Myrtle Beach that says “BILL” for Bill Richardson. I picked up a pack of throat lozenges for Joe Biden because he likes to talk so much. And I got Chris Dodd a USC Fighting Gamecocks bumper sticker because it was free.

As for the other Republicans, Ron Paul is getting a “Stop the War” organic T-shirt with a big stop sign on it. And Duncan Hunter and Tom Tancredo will just have to share a pecan log from Cracker Barrel.

There you have it. My shopping is all done. I hope they like their presents. Happy holidays and happy campaigning!