There were five minutes left in the “Southern Charm” finale Monday night, and for a second I was legitimately worried that this would not be nearly enough time to wrap up all the loose ends from season three.
I panicked. Five minutes? But … but … Bravo ...
Then I thought, what loose ends?
Did anything actually happen this season that stirred a desire in me to see a resolution?
Was there any remaining question without an answer? Any drama that didn’t already end in a final curtain call? Any cast member whose trajectory wasn’t clear?
We also could easily assume Landon wasn’t going to realize her dream and succeed as a Something (I actually don’t know what her dream is, but I’m pretty sure if we asked her she’d literally say “Something”).
Likewise, we could have guessed that Cameran’s therapist — Myra Gasser, formerly of Hilton Head Island … what! — was never going to make it so that Cam would be less afraid to get pregnant and therefore fall in life-milestone step with what would have been her Southern sorority sisters had she gone to college.
Actually, this one wasn’t about guessing. It was about never having cared in the first place.
Have a baby.
Don’t have a baby.
I still have to go to work Tuesday morning.
Will The Craig Gatsby quit his deadend-y Gentry job and return to his long-lost legal aspirations?
That is a question I never once asked myself.
Not once did I ponder Craig’s future.
Not once did I think, Gee, I hope he gets his open-ended career settled so he can afford that Porsche he’s driving and his next shipment of hair gel. I can’t wait to see what happens.
Here is a question I DID ask myself, however: Will Whitney unplug his mother’s oxygen therapy tank, wait for her to die and then put on her caftan and earrings, ring the bell for Michael and make out with him until the police arrive?
Will he sigh deeply when the police handcuff him and say, “In my day, a man would buy a woman a Rothko or a Jackson Pollock before politely asking if he could shackle her.”
Hold up for just one second. Can we discuss that oxygen tank Patricia was hooked up to for a second?
I want one.
And not at all because Patricia said, “The fact that I’m 105 years old and look as good as I do, I can attribute to my oxygen therapy.”
I know she meant for us to laugh like “Haha. 105! What a jokester!,” but are you, Patricia? Are you 105? I am not judging. I just think you might actually be from another era.
Mark my words, one day we’re going to find out “Lovers Patricia Altschul and Whitney Sudler-Smith died in 1892 in their Charleston home from what appeared to be bite marks to their necks …” and we will all need oxygen tanks to help us better torch their mansion.
Back to my point and on to Shep Rose.
What unresolved drama did he put out there for us this season? He’s a self-actualized man who once upon a time said yes to a reality show. He likes to have fun. His mother buys his clothes. He goes to his mailbox for money. He’s not in love with Landon.
Not much else to ponder there — except for Landon’s sobbing interview during the Shep-shows-up-with-her-friend-Robyn-to-the-stupid-Founders-Ball scene. I honestly didn’t know that her feelings for Shep were that real and I bet he didn’t either. I thought she was just hamming it up and trying to keep herself on TV.
So I did feel bad for a tiny second. Then the dolphin squeaking started up again.
Anyway, although it was touching to hear Shep say that it crushes him to hurt someone’s feelings, I’m done with hearing about how easy it is to take the high road.
“It’s so easy to take the high road. It’s so easy to take the high road,” he says in the midst of the Kathryn-Landon showdown.
Um, shut up or there’s no show. If everyone on reality TV takes the high road we’ll be back to watching sitcoms with laugh tracks and incorrigible next door neighbors.
Shep is a good guy. But again, we knew that before the finale.
Now onto the last non-loose end we didn’t need tied up on the finale: Kathryn and Thomas.
What didn’t we already know there?
The chemical reaction between Kathryn and Thomas was practically discovered in a Los Alamos lab.
Plus I read Daily Mail.
And I’m not a silly goose.
Name one person out there who was rooting for this couple. If it’s you, if you’re the person who was rooting for this couple, please don’t email me. If you do, I will forward your email directly to Homeland Security.
Will they finally be a family? I can’t wait to find out in these final five minutes … oh no! The show is over. What’s the conclusion?
So I guess what I want to ask is, why did we watch this show at all?
Why did we subject ourselves to 12 episodes of goofiness?
Oh I’ll tell you why.
Because Shep’s date gave us the biggest mic drop in the history of Bravo mic drops.
Shep’s date: “Do you think Landon is going to admit she slept with Thomas?”
And the screen goes black.
Other fun moments from the finale:
— Kathryn saying “Nobody likes to hear the truth. It’s an age-old story. Tennessee Williams wrote about. F’real.” Tell us more, professor.
— That preview for the reunion show. It’s finally on a set and not in the Bravo Clubhouse! And it’s Part One, which means there are other parts!
— “I like your blow out.” Danni’s compliment to Craig’s bouffant makes me again wish she were an actual cast member.
— The dress Kathryn stole from the set of “Mommy Dearest” and wore to the Founders Ball. Who wore it best? Kathryn Dennis or Joan Crawford’s wire hangers?
— Landon thinking she’s a mini-Patricia all night. Girrrrrl, you ain’t her till you’ve cradled your 48-year-old son in your arms and rocked him gently while patting down his cowlick and murmuring “You’re the best executive producer of reality shows set in Charleston, my love.”
— And, finally, the last episode of Everybody Hates Landon: