Watch this. I’m about to make a fourth season of “Southern Charm” happen for sure: Andy Cohen, instead of cobbling together footage from boring therapy sessions, candle-making “Girls Days” and shruggy parties that no viewer aspires to attend, why not film 12 reunion shows with these seven maniacs next year?
I would watch all of them. I might even actually pay for a season pass on iTunes.
And I wouldn’t even need any back-story to enjoy a single minute of it. Daily Mail has that covered.
Just put two couches on a soundstage in Long Island City and swap out the set weekly to reflect a different stereotypical aspect of life in Charleston so we don’t always have to look at “porch.”
It will be ratings gold.
Especially if the cast is allowed to change outfits every week.
Between Kathryn Dennis saying yes to someone’s suggestion that she dress like it’s her first day at her new job above the saloon and Landon Clements stealing her look from every date Jack Tripper ever had on “Three’s Company,” Monday night’s reunion episode proved that we’d be in for a real treat with a full season of the same thing plus more.
This episode also should have finally settled the Great Choker Debate of 2016 for everyone (thank you, Kathryn Dennis): Should chokers be an accepted trend?
Yes. Because how else will Madame Alexander know someone in Mount Pleasant is stealing from her dolls.
Here are my favorite moments from part one of the “Southern Charm” reunion:
— Sheppity Doo-Dah: Shep Rose had plenty of sunshine headed his way from Andy Cohen, who called him “Sheppy” and started on him right out of the gate.
The Hilton Head Island native — who looked as though he just gave a speech at a wedding in that rumpled flesh-colored suit with an open-collared pink shirt and pocket square — got to earnestly explain why he went on an apology tour after saying Bailey was DTF: “I am not disrespectful to women. I don’t want to be a misogynist.” I believed him. Andy didn’t, though. He was like, “Isn’t hooking up with all these women disrespectful to them?” Then Kathryn got consulted on her one night stand with Shep and whether she felt used. “It was fun,” she said. “It was lovely,” Shep said. And they didn’t even discuss it afterward. Instead, Kathryn brought Shep her electric bill as proof of residence so she could get a card at his personal lending library. “I’d rather talk about literature (and not about emotions/relationships/what we did last night),” Shep told Andy. “He loaned me books,” Kathryn said. IS SHE SERIOUSLY NOT GOING TO SAY WHAT BOOKS HE GAVE HER?!?
See? This is why we need 12 reunion shows.
— “I got face wash for Christmas. I just had your babies.” I’ve thought about it for two hours now; I think this was the best line of the night. Kathryn, the self-proclaimed “fool’s gold digger” who did not disappoint us by finally patting her weird and ever-present hair bump, told the world what Thomas Ravenel put under her tree last year. And again, we were not given all of the facts. What kind of face wash was it, Kathryn? You need to help the viewer so we know how to judge. Are we talking Cetaphil from Walgreens or La Mer, which infuses skin with “the legendary healing energies of (its) Miracle Broth and proprietary Deconstructed Waters”?
— Oh God, Landon. I know I’m not the only person out there who seesaws between liking her and wanting to find her high school yearbook just to write “YOU’RE MEAN” over her photo in Sharpie, but I can’t help feeling alone in my struggle to choose which way I feel about Landon.
HER PROS: She reunion-admitted that she lied about Kathryn’s lack of invitation to the roller-skating party and she apologized to both Kathryn and Shep. She has crow’s feet. She was brave about telling Shep she loves him … I guess. I still kind of think she did that to have a storyline. Oh, and she is a pit bull. Shep was right. She rushes forward and latches on before anyone can get out of the way. For as meek and nervous as she comes off in interviews, she doesn’t have one bit of a problem being vicious in a loud voice. I find this entertaining.
HER CONS: Still, she’s downright horrid. When she said “You just failed a drug test” to Kathryn (who ended the episode by storming off the “porch”) and then laughed about it with such superiority, I wanted to pay Cameran Eubanks’ “I don’t waaaaaant a baby” therapist to sit Landon down and ask her about her childhood. Failing the drug test didn’t mean that Kathryn’s above-the-saloon job had to be put on hold, it meant she could LOSE HER KIDS. That is called a “tragedy,” Landon. And if Kathryn has a drug problem, that is called “SAD,” not “funny.”
— Wait. Back to Landon for a second. Did anyone catch this: When Kathryn said “The cream rises to the top” to Whitney Sudler-Smith — after he responded to Andy’s comparison of Kathryn to a young Patricia Altschul by saying “My mother had a graduate degree (at Kathryn’s age)” — Landon burst out laughing and looked at Whitney to share her laugh. He totally didn’t even look at her. There was no laugh-sharing. That was so satisfying. Also, when Thomas told her to “stay out of it” after she brought up Thomas’ “paperwork” on Kathryn’s purported drug use, I almost went back in time to change my vote in the 2014 senatorial race. By the way, I don’t believe for one second that she didn’t sleep with that guy. Valentine’s Day trip! “We had separate rooms”! Mmmm-mmm-uh-uh.
— A few words on Craig: What! What! What! He didn’t graduate from law school. Whitney was right in season 2! And he was guessing! In the words of Andy Cohen’s cultural-appropriation of a representative from South Carolina: “You lied. You lied. You lied.”
— Landon never confuses Twitter: