Politics & Government

2009 was a tough year for S.C. pols

In a genuine, heart-felt attempt to make 2010 better, The Buzz offers some of them the following resolutions.

Enjoy.

Tongue firmly in cheek.

S.C. Republicans

Gov. Mark Sanford, R-Buenos Aires - What can The Buzz say?

Stimulus fight.

Check, leading to massive national face time.

Check, leading to gearing up for the presidential campaign.

Kaboom.

Just when we were counting our presidential bio royalties, well, there was that messy hiking accident. And the ethics investigation. And the impeachment-turned-censure. And the divorce filing.

Your 2010 resolution?

To fall back in love with South Carolina. Remember the Palmetto State? Smiling faces. Beautiful places. Record high unemployment.

You'll need to make some friends at the State House to get anything accomplished. Maybe Year 8 can be the charm.

Consider bonding with state Sen. Hugh Leatherman, R-Florence. Who knows? He might even let you run the state for a few minutes, if you're really nice.

U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson, R-Lexington - Dear Joe, when you disagree with others in 2010, resolve to shout:

- "Bless your heart." (All Southerners immediately will understand and those dern lib'ral Yankees will be clueless.)

- Or, "I beg to differ," a la Duke's infamous student body when disagreeing with a basketball call - something really, really important as opposed to trifling health care reform.

(Neither rejoinder, however, is likely to draw $3 million into your campaign account.)

Former GOP operative Rusty DePass - Rusty, the technology that kids are using these days is tricky. Unlike two cans tied together with a string, Facebook allows hundreds of people - heck thousands, even millions - to get your thoughts.

So in 2010, if you get the urge to make bad jokes, remind yourself: You're just no good with new technology.

Reach for the tried-and-true duct tape instead. And apply it to your mouth.

Bamberg, Orangeburg County GOP chairmen -The Buzz understands few Matzah balls ever have been served up in your vicinity. (In fact, we shudder to think what you'd do with a yarmulke.)

Therefore, the Buzz forgives you for, in a newspaper editorial, comparing U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint to a penny-watching Jew.

You thought it was flattering.

No, gentlemen. It's as wrong as the punch line to all of those redneck jokes. (You know. The ones where the mother and sister are the same person.)

... OK, a momentary pause. Wonder if S.C. GOP chairwoman Karen Floyd should gather the GOP faithful together and discuss grace. Or taste. Maybe she could resolve to get USC football coach Steve Spurrier to come by and talk about what winners do. We can hear it now. "Now, weiners, they don't run their mouths. They just, you know, kinda wein and leave the talking for those other guys."

S.C. Attorney General Henry McMaster, R-Columbia - You bristled. You blustered. You stomped your feet and shook your fists at Craigslist over those prostitution solicitations. Of course, you never actually sued. You were just trying to get voters' attention as you prepped for the 2010 gubernatorial race, right? It would have worked out OK if Craigslist hadn't called you on your temper tantrum, pulled the trigger and sued you. Now, you've had to backpedal away from your idle threats.

The Buzz had hoped you'd learned your lesson about picking legal fights for political purposes. Now, you've jumped feet first into Nebraska's Medicaid deal.

Mr. Attorney General, may 2010 deliver you from mixing politics and the law.

Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, R-Everywhere and a candidate for the GOP nomination for governor - Remember that one-time offer to not run for governor if within the next few days - or maybe week, or month or so - Marcus Aurelius would step down?

Remember how everyone giggled? How no one took your offer seriously?

In 2010, Andre, The Buzz wants you to take on a project to convince your fellow lawmakers you're mature enough to handle big jobs. Show them that you deserve their trust. After all, you're not some random guy, wearing a purple graduation robe, wandering around! You're the lieutenant governor wearing a purple robe, wandering around the Senate!

For your project, The Buzz suggests you fly the first Boeing 787 made in Charleston.

And land it intact.

(First time for everything.)

U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint, right-wing R-Greenville - The Buzz's resolution? One thing - something, anything - to agree with the Obama adminstration on.

Just one thing, Jimbo. One thing.

You can do it.

And, no, agreeing with the administration that the (fill in the blank) is bad and then immediately blaming Obama for it being bad doesn't count.

In any event, Sen. No easily wins re-election in 2010.

S.C. Democrats

State Rep. Todd Rutherford, D-Columbia - In 2010, the Buzz wants you to resolve to spend some quality time with your local high school debate team. You need a refresher.

Debate Rule 1: When trying to persuade others, do not insult them, i.e., don't call them "idiots."

Rule 2: Avoid all references to kangaroos, particularly as in calling your fellow legislative committee members a "kangaroo court."

Rule 3: Do not discuss striped bass.

Todd, you broke all the rules when you tried to persuade a panel of lawmakers to impeach the gov. You deserve a thank-you card from Sanford. Or at least a Christmas card.

(The Buzz was left off the Christmas card list this year. Wonder why?)

Rob Miller, D-Beaufort and Wilson's 2nd District congressional opponent in 2010 - For 2009, Buzz hopes you get a clue.

Rob, Rob, Rob, the next time your opponent decides to take both feet and insert them in his mouth on national TV - even his wife was appalled - do not, do not, do not pull a Cheney and vanish to an undisclosed location.

Remember: Carpe diem.

(And, no, that's not the fish of the day.)

State Schools Superintendent Jim Rex, D-Fairfield and candidate for the Democratic nomination for governor - Rex, the only statewide-elected Democrat, hacked off a lot of his fellow Democrats with his decision to run for governor.

The state's schools have hardly been fixed.

He's a poor fundraiser.

There's the charisma deficit.

Then, he led every poll.

Who knows? Rex's resolution: Slump to victory.

State Sen. Robert Ford, D-Charleston and candidate for the Democratic nomination for governor - Where to begin?

Running for governor on a platform of bringing back video poker?

Claiming you can win without raising any money?

Downplaying Boeing's decision to come to North Charleston?

The New Year? Bless your heart.

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