OK, SERIOUSLY. I give up.
The previous three columns, I have started with a weekly premise, and each week I have, well, not been 100 percent correct.
I said put your life savings on the under for South Carolina-Georgia game. If you did, you're now reading this in a homeless shelter.
Then I was sooooo sure that Florida would cover the spread over Tennessee, even if it was 40. Um, no.
Digital Access for only $0.99
For the most comprehensive local coverage, subscribe today.
And last week I wrote that the ACC might be underrated. Then Florida State lost to South Florida, Clemson fell to TCU and Maryland got throttled by Rutgers - all home games for the vaunted ACC. Strike three.
Now in my defense, I'm not very smart. Also, if you look at the bottom of this column, you'll see my overall picks are pretty good - I just tend to stink when I get too vocal.
So this week, I lead with the following bold predictions: The sun will rise in the East sometime Sunday morning. Vice President Joe Biden will say something stupid next week. And on Saturday night, South Carolina will beat S.C. State.
(A cold shudder should now go through Gamecock fans.)
Clemson (-13) at Maryland: Willy Korn put up with waiting behind Cullen Harper. He won't transfer because Kyle Parker is starting. But if Clemson brings in Jake Delhomme, well that's the last straw. Pick: Maryland covers, but Clemson wins.
LSU at Georgia (even): Georgia has committed at least three turnovers in every game, leading A.J. Green to say "I don't know how we're still winning." (Then Green looked in the mirror and said, "Oh yeah.") Pick: Georgia wins.
Virginia at North Carolina (-16): Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, paved the way for the rights of man and purchased half of the continental U.S. On the other hand, his founding of the University of Virginia led to the 2009 Cavalier football team. Call it a draw. Pick: North Carolina covers.
Alabama (-15) at Kentucky: After playing Florida last week, then Alabama this week, Kentucky is looking forward to a rest when it gets a visit from the New York Giants. Pick: Kentucky covers, but Alabama wins.
Auburn at Tennessee (-3): Some people on the Plains are already making 2004 comparisons. And I thought Tom Cruise was delusional. Pick: Auburn wins.
Mississippi (-10) at Vanderbilt: So how's that Jevan Snead-for-Heisman campaign going? Pick: Mississippi covers.
Oklahoma at Miami: Really looking forward to Barry Switzer and Jimmy Johnson matching wits, Michael Irvin taunting somebody, Brian Bosworth going after the quarterback, and - what's that? Pick: Oklahoma covers.
The rest: Georgia Tech (-4) covers against Mississippi State. ... Florida State beats Boston College (-6). ... Wake Forest (-2.5) covers against N.C. State. ... Virginia Tech (-13) covers against Duke. ... Texas A&M beats Arkansas (-1). ... Southern California (-4) covers against California. Penn State (-4) covers against Illinois. ... Michigan State (even) beats Michigan.
Last week: 8-7 vs. spread, 11-4 overall. Season: 32-28 vs. spread, 49-11 overall.