HALLOWEEN IS A DOOMED holiday to me for two reasons.
My dream costume would be a.) impossibly expensive to acquire and b.) impossibly impractical to move around in for an entire night.
For you see, my dream costume would be to have an authentic, movie-set quality replica of a suit of Boba Fett body armor.
I want the works: real helmet, real cape, real jetpack. Well, I don't mean a jetpack that would really let me fly. I'm trying to be halfway reasonable here.
But if I ever someday sell the rights to "Guesspert: The Musical," I'd be willing to drop a couple hundred bucks on a costume that would make George Lucas do a double-take and call the Skywalker Ranch to make sure the original jumpsuit hasn't been swiped from the vault.
But here's the drawback: Say I do strap in to the full bounty-hunter get-up. That's going to be a hot and sweaty pain of a thing to march around in. Even a fake jetpack could way 10 or 20 pounds, and that's a lot of lug around for a jetpack that ain't gonna make me fly.
If I go to a party, maybe three people will think my costume will be cool for about two minutes. Everyone will wonder, "Who's that in the Boba Fett costume?", and once they find out it's me, well, that's going to wring all the mystique out of it. And if I eat or drink anything, the helmet will have to come off. Then it's just my head on top of a Boba Fett uniform, and how stupid is that going to look?
My evil twin brother Orville is repurposing one of his old pirate costumes for a sports theme. He's going to laminate a piece of paper marked "Texas Tech Offensive Playcalls" and go as Mike Leach.
And please folks, just don't default into the lamest of all grown-up Halloween costumes -- by putting on a Gamecock or Clemson jersey and say you're a football player. Unless, of course, you're a spitting image of one of the players.
For example, didja ever notice the guy who lip-synchs the jingles in the FreeCreditReport.com commercials is a spitting image of Stephen Garcia? Sure, sometimes one will have long hair while the other has short, then vice versa. But it's there, we swear.
OK, enough tricks and treats. Remember kids, 10 percent of your candy loot goes to the house. Mom and dad will appreciate it. To the picks!
Guesspert's Glad Tidings
QB: If Chicago's Jay Cutler can't carve up Cleveland's defense, he might want to wish he could wear a Broncos costume again.
RB: Steven Jackson will brings the leverage against host Detroit. And by that, we mean score his first rushing TD of the year.
WR: I'm giving Giants rookie Hakeem Nicks a shot to keep his streak going for a fifth TD catches in five games. And there's no such thing as a "Guesspert curse."
DEF: Saints have had monster fantasy numbers. Atlanta will be their hardest test with Panthers, Rams and Bucs upcoming.
Evilpert's Bad News
QB: Welcome back Alex Smith and Vince Young! After your poundings this week, at least next week you face each other.
RB: Keep your fingers crossed Knowshon Moreno will have more passing yards than rushing yards in Baltimore.
WR: Didn't you used to be T.J. Houshmandzadeh?
DEF: Packers' D will be fooled by Brett Favre's purple Halloween costume.
BYE BABIES: Patriots, Bengals, Steelers, Chiefs, Redskins, Bucs
LAST WEEK: Greg 4-0, Orville 2-2
SEASON TO DATE: Greg 22-6, Orville 17-11
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"Clemson will be wearing all orange today, while homecoming foe Coastal Carolina will be in all black. What are we supposed to call this, the Tootsie Roll Bowl?"