Sports Talk: No Tigers jokes left to tell

So many Tiger Woods jokes, so little space.

For a guy who rounds up sports headlines each week, what am I supposed to do when almost every headline - and punch line - is about Tiger's automotive adventures and his wife Elin's follow-through on her golf swing? I can't even keep up with all the jokes (none of which are mine).

The best one: What did Elin say when cops asked her how many times she hit Tiger with a nine-iron? Um, I'm not sure, put me down for a five.

They go on and on about how he drives well in the fairway but doesn't fare well in the driveway, or how Elin likes to go clubbing at 2:30 in the morning, or how Tiger couldn't decide between an iron and a wood when he went from the fire hydrant to the tree.

But it seems Tiger's starting to get steamed about the unrelenting media scrutiny, which is sort of funny in itself. Now he wants privacy?

Hmmm, he didn't seem to need much privacy when he kept showing up in my living room trying to sell me a Buick Enclave, a Gillette Fusion razor, a set of Nike Forged Blade irons or a cool, refreshing bottle of Gatorade Quiet Storm. In fact, the guy wouldn't leave me alone. I begged him to hawk that stuff somewhere else, but there he was with that big smile on my TV screen and in my magazines invading my personal space.

I also couldn't shake him whenever I tried to watch a golf tournament. Every Sunday I'd hope to get just a quick glimpse of Retief Goosen, but all I ever saw was Tiger. There he'd be, walking up the 18th fairway waving to the gallery and then going over to hug and kiss family members after sinking his final putt. He didn't seem to mind everyone putting the spotlight on his family life then.

OK, all of you probably think I'm just jealous because I can't get any New York party girls or California reality-show contestants or Las Vegas nightclub managers to pay any attention to me. But that's not the issue. (Besides, I did have a Red Bank cosmetologist flirt with me once.)

At any rate, this isn't going away for Tiger anytime soon, no matter how much he wants that to happen. But for now, just to give it a rest, I'll move on to the other headlines.

USC knocks off Clemson in football. The Gamecocks were so excited that they poured Gatorade on Steve Spurrier and poured water on C.J. Spiller's Heisman hopes.

Georgia knocks off Georgia Tech. The win put the Bulldogs in the ACC championship game against the Gamecocks.

Panthers QB Jake Delhomme throws four interceptions in loss to N.Y. Jets. He also threw one more touchdown for the Jets than Mark Sanchez did.

Notre Dame fires football coach Charlie Weis. Knute Rockne is dead, and Ara Parseghian doesn't feel so good himself.

Clemson pays $128,000 for full-page color ad in USA Today promoting C.J. Spiller. Well, it sure beats wasting money on a couple of history professors.

Ticket demand for championship showdown of unbeatens Florida and Alabama is high. Good grief, you'd think Miley Cyrus was performing at halftime.

New Jersey Nets set NBA record with 18 consecutive losses to start season. Things haven't been this depressing in Jersey since "The Sopranos" left the air.

The Who to perform at Super Bowl. Whose generation are they going to be talkin' about? Vince Lombardi's?

USC looks to be headed to the Bowl in Birmingham. But there's still hope Steve Spurrier's connections will land the Gamecocks in the DiGiorno Bowl.

Saints beat Patriots to remain undefeated. Even Bill Belichick said in the postgame news conference: "Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?"

Bobby Bowden retires as Florida State football coach. But he still gets to stand on the sideline with a hat on and say, "Dadgummit!"

Serena Williams fined $82,500 for profanity-laced tirade at U.S. Open. Tennis officials plan to use that money on a small USA Today ad.

USC basketball coach Darrin Horn leads team to win over former Western Kentucky squad. Next week the Gamecocks are contractually obligated to play his old high school.

Clemson basketball team blows 23-point lead in Illinois loss. The Tigers couldn't get anything going after Spiller returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown.

U.S. soccer team draws England in first round of World Cup. There's already talk of Bachman-Turner Overdrive playing at halftime.

Ron Artest claims he drank Hennessy during games as member of Chicago Bulls. He needed a good cognac to wash the bad taste of Tim Floyd's coaching out of his mouth.

Reliever Billy Wagner signs with Atlanta Braves. With Tom Glavine and John Smoltz gone, the Braves were desperate for an old guy to pitch.

Allen Iverson returns to Philadelphia 76ers. Next week they're looking at bringing back Dr. J.

Oregon defeats Oregon State to earn Rose Bowl berth. Look for a lot of Aflac commercials in the Rose Bowl broadcast.