AND NOW EVERYTHING came down to Matt Schaub.
Let me back up.
If you're a fantasy football nut like me, odds are you dabble in more than one league each season. And odds are that every few weeks, there arises a case where a player that you're starting for your team in one league is being played against you in another.
All you can do is shut your eyes and hope he scores some magic number of points to help you in one league and not kill you in another.
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For two weeks in a row - in the fantasy playoffs no less! - a member of the Houston Texans offense has fit that description.
Last week it was stud wideout Andre Johnson. He was magnificent in amassing 196 yards of receiving yardage against the lowly Rams - and ever so gallant in scoring zero touchdowns.
Like I said, magic number. His 19 points were huge in helping me to a one-point win in League A. And while I had a comfortable 13-point win in League B, if Johnson would have crossed the plane two or three times in St. Louis, I would have been in trouble in Columbia.
So here it is, Week 16 of the regular season ... which means fantasy playoff finals in most leagues. And I'm playing in the finals in both my leagues (ya don't think you becomes a fantasy football newspaper columnist unless ya know a thing or two about the waiver wire, huh?).
So in one sense, I could sit back and not worry about my lineups. After all, collecting two second-place payouts is almost as good as winning one league but flaming out in another.
But of course, instead of kicking back and relaxing and wondering how it was my evil twin brother Orville wound up with a 70-inch flat screen TV as a Christmas gift, I do have to make an effort to make sure I've optimized my starting roster.
And that's when I noticed: Everything is going to come down to Matt Schaub.
He's going against me in League A; I'm starting him as my QB in League B.
Oh, and guess what? Chad Ochocinco is one of my League A All-Stars. And he might as well be talking trash against me in League B.
So what's the moral of the story, kids?
It's that the fantasy football gods can giveth and they can taketh awayeth. But when they really want to watch you squirmeth, they turn your key players' stats into a two-way street. Good luck not getting run over when you cross the road.
To the picks!
Guesspert's Glad Tidings
QB: I feel like telling Matt Schaub the famous Leslie Nielsen line from the landing scene in "Airplane!" - "I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you." Now if only I could remember if it's the white zone or the red zone that's for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
RB: In an amazing display of solidarity, Green Bay's Ryan Grant is starting for me in both my playoff finals. Feet, don't fail him now!
WR: Here's hoping Andre Johnson scores four touchdowns ... all off hand-offs from reverses.
DEF: Vikings, I'll forgive you for getting gashed by the Panthers if you turn Jay Cutler into the most hated man in Chicago since Steve Bartman.
Evilpert's Bad News
QB: Brett Favre asked if he could make all my picks for me this week, but I told him I was pulling him. Talk about a tantrum I had on my hands after that.
RB: I don't know why my playoff opponent has Ray Rice on his bench, but in case he knows something I don't ...
WR: Memo to Tony Gonzalez. You're an old guy, and the Falcons are already eliminated from the real playoffs. Feel free to loaf it against Buffalo for my opponent Sunday.
DEF: Again, I don't know why my opponent has the Giants defense on his bench when they're playing the Panthers, but in case he knows something I don't ...
LAST WEEK: Greg 2-2, Orville 2-2
SEASON TO DATE: Greg 42-17, Orville 31-28
ORVILLE'S LAST WORD
"I really must have been on the naughty list this year, because I got something worse than a lump of coal in my stocking - a pair of Oakland vs. Cleveland tickets."