Now that 2010 is here, let's hope it gets off to a smoother start than the bizarre way 2009 ended in the sporting world. Just when you think nothing can top the Urban Meyer resignation story, along comes Mike Leach's strange saga of player discipline.
Here's the twist: Meyer wanted to quit, but he's still on the job at Florida; Leach wanted to stay, but he's out the door at Texas Tech.
You can't make this stuff up. In fact, you almost needed a medical degree to follow both stories, with all the talk of brain cysts, chest pains and concussions.
It was so confusing that I had stand in a cool, dark equipment shed so I could sort out the conflicting details. While I was there, I was able to review 2009's final-week headlines.
Urban Meyer stuns college football world by resigning over health and family concerns. It was the most shocking news involving a coach since Woody Hayes used Charlie Bauman as a punching bag.
Meyer stuns college football world by unresigning after a spirited Florida practice. Uh, on second thought, maybe his health and family aren't that big of a deal.
Meyer decides to take leave of absence. OK, nobody's stunned by anything this guy does anymore.
Clemson slips past Kentucky in Music City Bowl. The Wildcats claimed they got dizzy after looking at those purple and orange uniforms.
C.J. Spiller wins MVP award in final Clemson game in Nashville. His award was a bronze replica of Minnie Pearl's hat.
Carolina Panthers help knock N.Y. Giants out of playoffs with big win. Looks like John Fox isn't going to be collecting unemployment after all.
Indianapolis Colts lose undefeated season after pulling starters in second half against N.Y. Jets. Come on, everybody knows the best way to prepare for the playoffs is to give up.
Colts fans angry at management. Unfazed Indy coaches say that in order to keep everyone healthy, they're not going to even put a team on the field today against Buffalo.
Houston Rockets send unhappy Tracy McGrady home. It could have been worse; the Rockets could have put him in an electrical shed.
Manny Pacquiao, Floyd Mayweather Jr. haggle over terms of lucrative fight. Who cares about boxing these days? The only fight I'd pay to see would be a celebrity match between Danny Bonaduce and Tonya Harding.
Steve Spurrier says Meyer should play more golf. Spurrier promised to set up a tee time for him during next season's USC-Florida game.
Texas Tech suspends Leach for his treatment of receiver Adam James. Leach insists standard medical practice in Lubbock calls for concussions to be treated by standing in a dark shed.
Analyst Craig James pulled off Alamo Bowl game by ESPN after controversy. What the heck was he doing calling his son's game in the first place?
Texas Tech fires Leach for refusing to apologize and for suing school over suspension. It's funny, my employers had the same reaction after I threatened to sue them.
Slumping Minnesota Vikings lose in overtime to lowly Chicago Bears. Has Brett Favre retired again yet?
Streaking Northwestern basketball team looking for first trip to NCAA tournament. The homely Wildcats have cried themselves to sleep many years after not getting an invitation to the Big Dance from the good-looking schools.
Outfielder Jason Bay agrees to $65 million deal with New York Mets. Anyone wondering why Bay would want to sign with such a dysfunctional organization in a pitchers' ballpark should take the time to hear Bay's 65 million reasons.
Panthers receiver Steve Smith has surgery on broken arm. Fortunately for the loquacious Smith, he didn't need surgery on his sprained tongue.
Vikings receiver Sidney Rice selected for Pro Bowl. Tell me again why he slipped to the second round of the NFL draft.
Skier Lindsey Vonn injures arm in spill during World Cup slalom. I've heard snow-covered mountainsides can be slippery.
USC women's and men's basketball teams lose to Boston University, Boston College, respectively. Luckily, the Celtics aren't on either team's schedule.
Idaho beats Bowling Green 43-42 in Humanitarian Bowl. Let's see the BCS title game top that one.
Breaking news: I'm resigning for health reasons. The boss is sick of me.
Ha ha, just kidding, I'm not resigning. The boss just made me go stand in a shed. Help, somebody let me out!