‘Southern Charm’ recap: How Thomas Ravenel’s $30K rug might be hurting some feelings today

I am positive that there is a sisterhood of women in the greater Charleston area who watched the fourth season premiere of “Southern Charm” on Monday night, saw that Thomas Ravenel’s young children now live in his guest house and thought to themselves “Those babies definitely shouldn’t be touching that couch.”

These women know exactly what used to go on in that guest house before the Fisher-Price Brigade moved in.

They know that’s where the sad/fun happens.

They know that the furniture in there technically qualifies as the Ravenel toddlers’ half-siblings.

And now they know that Ravenel likely regarded them in the same way he apparently does those children — that is, as rug-threatening agents of sputum not fit for the main house.

Thank you, Thomas Ravenel, for adding a floor-covering department to the Big Warehouse of Women’s Self-Esteem Issues.

“Why am I only $200 rug worthy? When will I find a man who thinks I’m $30K rug worthy? Why are people still making fun of the hyphenated URL for my online travel magazine?”

That was a fake Landon quote, by the way, which I understand is confusing because it’s exactly like a real Landon quote since she’s so fake.

Quick aside: Her travel blog that was never updated a single time despite her “summer of travel” is totally gone and I’m totally taking credit for that even though I don’t feel great about it. Sorry it didn’t work out, girlfriend. Is Plan B a cupcake shop? Or a macaron boutique?

Anyway, that opening exchange with T-Rav on the bench … my God. It’s like the two of them were rehearsing a scene for the “Our Town” production at the in-patient “wellness” center (psych ward) where they just met.

“You've got the house,” Landon says, “You've got the kids. What do you think is going to make you happy now?”

Oh me oh my. Say it’s Landon! Make a million viewers happy!

Ugh. Then he did.

“Why not take a chance? Let's give it a shot.”

Aaaand flash to three months earlier.

So which “Southern Charm” editor pictured us all at home, chewing on our couch-blankets like “Awwww. Now I have to watch the whole season to find out about Landon and T-Rav?”

A better idea at the Bravo brainstorming table would’ve been “Bring in 12 guys who look and act like different versions of Shep Rose so that we have no idea what’s happening at any point ever again.”

That Austen guy is going to be a real problem for me, I think.

I’m already mistaking him for Shep even though he doesn’t really look like Shep to me.

OK. He looks like him a little. He looks like Shep if Shep starred on “The Office.”

He looks like Shep if Shep shopped for clothes in Forrest Gump’s closet or if he were a character in the Sweet Valley High series.

He looks like Shep if Shep had … oh no, I’m going to say it, I can feel myself about to say it ... breast-feeding nipples.

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! But Austen has those. I took a peek when he got out of the shower. Or rather, they took a peek at me.

Hey look, I’m just an innocent at-home viewer trying to keep track of which preppy bon vivant is which.

You know who Austen actually does remind me of? What the Craig Gatsby sees when he looks in the mirror.

Austen has Shep’s friendship AND a real job AND that real job is distributing beer to liquor stores?

Something tells me Craig dulled his jealousy by buying out all the raspberry-colored clothing from Charleston’s man stores this past summer.

I’m not going to make fun of Craig, though. I’m not going to make additional fun of him, that is.

He’s a Charmer’s best buddy because he doesn’t hesitate to stir things up.

Who didn’t know that he was totally going to bring up his Kathryn phone call when he got to Landon’s house?

And thank God he did. What else would they have talked about? Landon has the conversational skills of a sorority house ghost.

“I love a good day-drinking party,” the 35-year-old (!) said to Naomie and Craig.

I’m not kidding, if she hadn’t been pouring drinks when she said that, I would’ve assumed she was talking about the shade of blush she was wearing.

“Day-Drinking Party, by Maybelline. When you want that ‘I regularly have burgundy for breakfast’ look but can’t be bothered with all that jug lifting.”

No really. What was with her cheeks in that scene?

Also, I need to mention this. Please tell me you noticed that she misspelled Craig’s last name on her iPhone.

Every corner she turns, I swear ….

I honestly wouldn’t be this hard on Landon if she weren’t so vicious herself. We’ve all had Landons in our lives. We know the act.

Her musings on Kathryn Dennis’ rehab-husband plans were the real treat of the night and about as annoying as those rhyming rap throwdowns on “GLOW.”

I know. “What’s ‘GLOW’?” I’m so old.

History lesson below:

What I’m saying here is that I think it benefits Landon to hate Kathryn so she’s trumping it up. Her hatred of Kathryn and this faux love triangle they’re in with T-Rav is a nice way to stay in the “Southern Charm” game and we all know defunct travel blogs aren’t going to cut it for her anymore.

OK. We haven’t even talked about Eliza Limehouse yet.

She is T-Rav’s best friend’s daughter and it just doesn’t get any creepier than T-Rav and Eliza having that post-horse ride chat.

Please tell me they haven’t done it.

My first thought about Chip Limehouse was “That guy can’t be thrilled about his daughter being that close to Ravenel.”

Then I Googled Chip Limehouse and thought, “Oh Jesus. That guy.”

I’m not going to go into details (for a fun retrospective, start here on FitsNews and work your way back), but something tells me he and Ravenel are on the same page when it comes to a real lack of boundaries and self-awareness.

At any rate, I think we’ll be seeing more of Eliza Limehouse this season. So far, she seems tame, though, and not at all like a shameless latch-on.

Speaking of tame and latch-ons, how about Kathryn Dennis? Fans on Twitter practically counted down the seconds until she got some camera time.

And then there she was.

I was hoping she was on her way to that pool party because I knew she would have something to say to Shelby, her nay-saying, back-stabbing, stiletto-and-bikini wearing, sliding bum cousin, but no.

She was having a drug test.

That’s a good thing etc. But I know in my heart Kathryn would’ve asked Shelby if her tush was melting off of her (that thing was halfway down to her knee-backs).

Oh. Three more things before I go to bed:

1. Lord help me, Whitney looked hot on this episode even in that Adidas jacket. His baby vampire smile has always gotten to me, but I found it particularly beguiling tonight.

2. Patricia Altschul’s cautionary tale about marijuana use. “Some grass, kids, and you too will have to work at Blockbuster Video.”

And 3., when did Patricia’s butler Michael turn into Dr. Bunsen?

I never noticed the resemblance before … now I love their relationship even more.

But don’t you dare call her “Beaker.”

This story was originally published April 4, 2017 at 12:34 AM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: How Thomas Ravenel’s $30K rug might be hurting some feelings today."