‘Southern Charm’ recap: Shep Rose doesn’t like roller-skates or tipping strippers

Here is how easy it is to throw a birthday party for Shep Rose:

— Bring booze

— Invite everyone

I don’t even know the guy, but the party I just planned for him is way more suited to his personality than the “1970s roller disco” disaster that Landon, who has known him for quite some time, threw for him on the latest episode of “Southern Charm.”

It’s Shep. Have a beach barbecue. Surprise him with a party at his own bar (let’s just pretend it’s still open). Or maybe even run some ideas past “party-planner” Patricia Altschul before you put a down payment on a bar-free roller rink and ask a 6-foot, something-inch man to wear polyester in Charleston’s September heat and then strap wheels to his feet.

Do you know how far Shep Rose has to go before he hits the ground? Does Landon know anything about velocity?

Even Whitney Sudler-Smith had a better idea for a more Shepropriate party: “Steakhouse and strip club.”

“Though,” he said, “Shep is too cheap to tip the strippers.”

If any moment in the past three seasons has been more perfect for a Patricia Altschul etiquette lecture than this one, I do not know it.

“A good party host,” I picture her saying to viewers, chin-up then chin-down, “provides his guests with stacks of dollar bills to tip the burlesque performers.”

Cut to Michael the butler sitting at the kitchen table trying to figure out a bill sorter.

The editors of “Southern Charm,” it would seem, wanted us to believe certain truths about Landon in this episode. The primary truth being that she’s likes Shep.

“Likes him” likes him.

This is why she got plenty of screen time rolling her eyes at Shep’s latest “DTF” lady pal Bailey (his apology for saying that, by the way, is here). And why she twice used fecal descriptives in reaction to Bailey’s kitschy portrait of Shep on a horse holding a surfboard.

Poor old Landon.

It’s so unfair. She’s the one who took the original photo that Bailey’s painting was based on! Doesn’t Shep see that she would make a great #ShepsWife? (#ShepsWife was the failed hashtag of the night on Twitter).

Anyway, sorry, friend (zone).

This is where my sympathy for her ends, though.

Landon planned Shep’s party around her own ability to look adorable in a jumper and glide around on pink wheels.

And she disregarded the one thing Shep had asked her to do, which was not to leave anyone off the guest list.

The Hilton Head Island native might have grown up behind the gates, but he has an open-door policy on fun.

Plus, he’s a nice guy.

“I very intensely dislike excluding people,” he said after finding out from Kathryn Dennis that her invite to the party got lost in the mail (ahem, Landon’s trash).

“Take the high road. It’s so easy,” he said of the mean girl attitude that has taken over the show lately.

Kathryn the pariah spent the entire episode trying to be “Just Kathryn” and not “Kathryn Dennis, star of The Thomas and Kathryn Show,” which is apparently why everyone has been icing her out.

They’ve had it with the yelling.

Which, by the way, reminds me of my favorite part of Monday’s episode — when Craig was grilling Cameran about why everyone has a problem with Kathryn.

Kathryn, Cameran was trying to tell him, should not be calling her to go out for coffee because Cameran does not have a direct problem with Kathryn.

Kathryn hasn’t done anything to Cameran. Cameran’s just bored by the drama.

“I’ve had a front-row seat to ‘The Thomas and Kathryn’ show,” Cameran said in an earlier interview. “I don’t want to be in the front row anymore. I want to be in the nosebleeds.”

Kathryn, Cameran said, should be apologizing to Patricia and Whitney.

Craig was like “Whitney? What’d she do to Whitney?”

Then it cuts to a scene from last season when Craig had to grab Kathryn by the waist to keep her from attacking Whitney as she called him a “nasty em-effer” in her best mobile park accent.

“Is that all?” Craig said.

Hahahaha.

Is that all? Um, no. Watch the show, Craig. I know you believe Whitney doesn’t like Kathryn simply because she chose Thomas instead of him, but Whitney is the reason the show exists. He’s a producer, and not getting along with Kathryn is a good story line for him.

Kathryn is either the most volatile human being ever, or is the victim of unfair edits by Bravo. Either way, she’s a cast member and deservedly so. She’s complex and interesting to watch. So why have her on the show if you’re going to repeatedly let the cast keep her from interacting with them?

Instead we have to make do with her hilarious and animated interviews and suffer through tedious and isolating scenes like Kathryn on the phone in the car or Kathryn having lunch with K. Cooper Ray and rehashing Patricia’s problems with her.

Cooper, yet again, reminds viewers that he thinks Kathryn reminds Patricia of a certain someone.

“I thinks he sees a little bit of herself in this Carolina Wildcat.”

Interesting theory. I guess.

I’d buy it if Kathryn didn’t give Patricia every reason not to want her at her parties. No one likes a screamer who uses arm gestures and leans in menacingly to whoever she’s yelling at.

Which is why, I’m sure, Landon also kept Kathryn away from Shep’s party.

What a backfire, though.

Shep was mad. Landon was mad. And Kathryn comes off looking like the victim of high school hallway bullying.

“Even when she’s not here,” Landon laments, “she’s still somehow able to ruin a good time.”

Er.

That wasn’t a good time.

How is Landon not seeing this?

This story was originally published May 2, 2016 at 11:58 PM with the headline "‘Southern Charm’ recap: Shep Rose doesn’t like roller-skates or tipping strippers."