Farrell: ‘Mutant head lice’ in SC just really good at dating

Want to know a surefire way to get a friend to go from not scratching her head to scratching her head?

Talk about lice for about five seconds — or simply say the word “lice.”

It brings out the psychosomatic itch in people.

Add the word “mutant” to your discussion, and you’d better have oven mitts with you to duct tape onto your friend’s hands.

Mutant head lice.

It’s a real thing. And, sorry to say, it’s already in South Carolina.

Last week, new research was presented at the American Chemical Society’s national meeting in Boston that identified 25 states where head lice have mutated, making them resistant to over-the-counter treatments.

Anyone with mutant lice in their hair should go to a doctor for a prescription, one of the researchers concluded.

Naturally, a revelation of this sort induces panic -- not true panic, mind you. I’ve heard no instances of parents burning bedsheets in the streets or pre-emptively shaving their kids’ heads.

I don’t think the military is fixing to stage air raids against the mutants.

No, the panic I’m talking about is the kind that arises from the media’s enjoyment of the phrase “mutant head lice,” or the even more fear-inducing “super lice.” Which, I’m sure, is exactly what the pharmaceutical companies that partially funded this study had been banking on.

Break us down, build us up. Show us the threat, then offer to save the day with hundred-dollar creams.

So classic.

And so diabolical.

Anyone who has ever had lice before (me!) can tell you what a low point in life it is.

Any parent who has had to scrub couches and smother stuffed animals on top of washing all the bedding and clothing in the house, can tell you what an enormous headache it is.

And I haven’t even mentioned the feelings of shame that come with being sent home from school because bugs live in your head.

No matter how much you understand that having lice doesn’t make your family “that family,” it still presents that way. No matter how much you know it’s not socioeconomic or “dirty” and that anyone can get lice, it still feels like you’re Patient Zero and that your neighbors are one second away from tenting your house, “E.T.”-style.

The worst part is that you can’t even lie to people about why your kid is missing school, because to do that means other kids might re-pass this thing back to your family, and the whole thing just starts again.

It’s a mess, and for this study to come out right when the new school year has started is a little too convenient. Let’s guess what the objective was here: Skip the over-the-counters and go straight for the high-priced medicines?

For a problem that was bound to happen?

“Guess what,” said Louise Hodges of Lady’s Island, who is co-owner of Greenbug, a local pest control business that uses cedar-based products, including one that rids people of lice, “they’ve been resistant. Any time you have a pest population and you expose it to a synthetic chemical, over time it will become resistant.”

Yes, the bug has mutated, but that’s just nature at work. Survival of the fittest. In other words, this was to be expected.

The lice that were born with a natural resistance to the chemicals that we’ve been using to rid humans of louses are on Tinder right now, checking out the other lice who survived the sprays and lotions.

This just means it’s time for us to adjust.

While I’m sure this is of little comfort to parents who have to deal with this thing, it should at least alleviate some of this extra fear brought on by the study.

Basically, you can fear lice as much as you already did, before the mutants came to town. Tie your kids’ long hair up; douse them and their backpacks with rosemary, cedar or tea tree sprays. Don’t share hats.

In other good news, the Beaufort County School District hasn’t seen any cases of mutant head lice yet, district spokesman Jim Foster told me in an email. Although it’s hard to tell what’s mutant and what’s simply the result of not being meticulous in the cleanup.

Whatever the case, the schools are on top of it, says Denise Unruh, nursing coordinator for the county’s schools.

“We nip it in the bud completely,” she said. Students with lice are sent home and cannot return until they are cleared by a nurse. Siblings of the student are also checked. And nurses work with parents to make sure they have thorough instructions.

I asked Unruh what’s one thing she’d want people to know about this problem.

“Nobody,” she said, “is immune to lice.”

Well, now I’m itching again.

Follow columnist and senior editor Liz Farrell at twitter.com/elizarrell and facebook.com/elizfarrell.