James Comey, is this man bothering you?

Comey Told Sessions: Don’t Leave Me Alone With Trump

“The day after President Trump asked James B. Comey, the F.B.I. director, to end an investigation into his former national security adviser, Mr. Comey confronted Attorney General Jeff Sessions and said he did not want to be left alone again with the president, according to current and former law enforcement officials.… But Mr. Sessions could not guarantee that the president would not try to talk to Mr. Comey alone again, the officials said.”

— The New York Times

Here is a look at the texts that I am sure passed between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and then-FBI Director James Comey.

Comey: hey do you have a second

Sessions: why certainly sir

Comey: so I just

he keeps being WEIRD

Sessions: weird how

Comey: I am keeping memos

but I just thought

can we set up a system where I don’t have to be alone with him

Sessions: what’s the problem

Comey: no problem

as I am going to testify

but I just would really really rather not be stuck alone with him

Sessions: I can’t guarantee he’s not going to try anything

Comey: no I know that

that is why I am enlisting you

the attorney general of the United States (congrats, by the way!)

I thought maybe if we had series of signals that I can use to indicate that he’s trying to get me alone

and then you can rescue me

Sessions: I’m listening

Comey: so for instance I thought of a good one the other day

if I try to hide in the curtains

Sessions: what

Comey: like physically camouflage myself in the curtains

Sessions: I don’t understand

like Scarlett O’Hara?

Comey: is this a Southern reference

Sessions: is my name Jefferson Beauregard Sessions

Comey: is it?

Sessions: yes

Comey: wow

that’s unique

Sessions: it isn’t unique where I come from

Comey: no but if I wrap myself up in the curtain

that would be a signal that he was trying to initiate contact I was uncomfortable with

and then you would come across the room and escort me to the door

and that way we could prevent him from doing the hug grab

he does this thing where he grabs you and

it’s like when you meet an old man and he tries to kiss you hello

but so much worse

no part of me would feel clean if he got me

can you do that

Sessions: I can’t promise

Comey: it’s not an issue most of the time

I just don’t want anything inappropriate to happen

I already have a plan in place with my posse at the FBI where if we are in a restaurant and Donald Trump comes up and starts acting weird I say “GOLLY” and then Agent J interposes himself and says “is this guy bothering you” and I sneak out through the bathroom

it’s just sometimes I am not with my posse

I have tried inviting Karen Pence to all my dinners because that means you get TWO people, Karen and Mike, if I am understanding their deal correctly but she and I keep different hours

the other day I was waiting for the subway and I saw him coming toward me but I made meaningful eye contact with a woman on the platform and she came over and pretended like we were best friends and walked me all the way home so that that he wouldn’t get the chance to corner me I still owe her one I wonder what happened to her

two nights ago he tried to come up to me at a bar and ask if I was loyal and I had my friend pretend that HE was my president and that I couldn’t even think of talking to anyone else or he’d get very upset

but it didn’t work for as long as I needed it to and finally we had to sneak out the back and in the process I inadvertently gave him my cellphone number

I told him my name was Murray Showboat but I don’t think he knows the difference

I have two cellphones now

on one of them the message just says “HI I HOPE YOU AREN’T CALLING ME TO ASK FOR LOYALTY OR ABOUT THE MIKE FLYNN THING BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE WAY INAPPROPRIATE” but I worry he thought it was an in-joke

I just need backup

Sessions: go on

Comey: so if you get a text that says COVFEFE that is because he has ambushed me with a dinner and I am trying to get away

I probably thought it was a dinner with multiple other people who weren’t him and not a personal dinner with one person who was himand you should come to the restaurant right away

if I say anything weird about doors, like “I saw before me two doors, one said Conceal and the other said Speak,” that is a sign that he has done something to make me uncomfortable and you should come right away

if I say “golly” during testimony or “nauseous” that is also a signal

Sessions: lot of signals there

Comey: are you in?

Sessions: was my contact with the Russians prior to the election entirely appropriate

Comey: I don’t know what that is

is that a no or a yes

Sessions: (long eloquent shrug)

This story was originally published June 8, 2017 at 9:54 AM with the headline "James Comey, is this man bothering you?."