Clary: At least tackle real bathroom danger

Bathrooms are scary places. Evil slime can spew from faucets. A werewolf can climb out of the toilet. A man in a dress can covertly sneak into a women’s bathroom, just so he can harass a woman.

Of course, these stories are fictional, and if the Legislature passes S.1203, it will solve a problem that does not exist — and create new problems to boot.

The transgender bathroom bill will create chaos. How will we determine the gender someone had at birth? Must everyone in the state carry a birth certificate? What will we do about hermaphrodites? What about the heterosexual men who look effeminate and the heterosexual women who look masculine?

Must everyone obtain a bathroom ID, and have someone check the IDs at the bathroom door? That would create jobs, and if this bill passes, we will need more of those, as many corporations want to protect their public image and do not want to do business in such a state.

Just ask our neighbors in North Carolina how their bathroom law is sending their economy to the … ahem … toilet.

I will confess that I — who have had a female biology and brain since birth — have used the men’s room many times. During the last months of my pregnancy, when I encountered a full ladies’ room and a fuller bladder, my husband would make sure a men’s room was empty, let me in and stand sentry at the door. I have also been to theaters that let the women use the men’s room during intermission, as the women’s line is always longer. Are we going to be issuing fines for that behavior?

Certainly we could use some bathroom reform. Some people are uncomfortable sharing a bathroom with transgendered people, people who have loud conversations on the john, or Donald Trump supporters.

On a more serious note, what of the parent caring for a young child of the opposite sex, or a caregiver taking care of a disabled person of the opposite sex?

Public places need private one-seater bathrooms for those situations.

Many public places already are taking that step, but some are not. My husband is the primary caregiver for our baby girl. He has to keep a mental map of public family bathrooms, as they are usually equipped with diaper changing tables, and he has yet to find a men’s room with a changing table.

When our daughter is toilet-trained, but still too little to use the toilet alone, without a family bathroom option they might find themselves up in a creek that rhymes with “spit.”

While I do not believe that men dressed as women are roaming women’s restrooms, waiting to attack us, I do believe that a public restroom can be a fertile hunting ground for sexual predators of the sort whose biology does match their psychology. This is what makes life so difficult for mothers out with sons who are too old for the ladies’ room but still young enough that the mother does not wish to send him to the men’s room alone.

If we want to address this real problem, again, one-seater bathrooms are the answer.

Sen. Lee Bright maintains that his bill will protect women. But while women have been assaulted by men in public bathrooms, sexual assault is already illegal. Shakespeare wrote, “’Tis the eye of childhood/ That fears a painted devil.”

We women are grown and not afraid of men in tights — or dresses, for that matter.

What we are afraid of is losing our lives and loved ones in car accidents. If you want to help us, do something about drunk drivers, crumbling roads and distracted drivers.

We worry that we cannot be mothers and maintain gainful employment. If you want to help, get us jobs with paid maternity leave, lactation rooms for nursing mothers and flexible schedules, so we can support our children financially and emotionally.

Our hearts break for our sisters and friends who are being beaten down by domestic violence. Do something about that.

We have enough real problems in South Carolina that urgently need solutions that we have no time to waste on this potty humor.

This story was originally published April 17, 2016 at 5:00 PM with the headline "Clary: At least tackle real bathroom danger."