Crazy about the presidency

It is Inauguration Day, Jan. 20, 2017.

Donald Trump searches his drawer for a note from Barack Obama, something on heavy cream stationery with the White House insignia, maybe reiterating the Obama doctrine, “Don’t do stupid stuff.”

But there is nothing there.

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That puts Trump in a huff. How dare Obama depart without leaving the customary handwritten good-luck missive?

He grabs his phone and tweets: “SAD!! No note from my predecessor. No Class Obama.”

The tweet doesn’t go through. Must be something about the White House secure communications, he thinks. He’ll figure it out later. Right now, he needs to savor the moment.

“I did it. My way. They said I was a dangerous, insane traitor, a threat to national security, a Siberian candidate in cahoots with Pooty-Poot. That spook for Hillary, Michael Morell, the ex-CIA chief who dished up the flawed intelligence that helped get us into the Iraq War — which I opposed from the beginning, even if I said the opposite — called me ‘an unwitting agent of the Russian Federation.’

“That reminds me, I need to give Vlad a ring today from the hotline and find out what I’m supposed to do now. Just kidding.

“The political elite was in a frenzy about what would happen if I got my short finger on the nuclear button. Where is the button, by the way? Or is it a football? I know football better than anyone. I used to play and even had a team.

“So many things to do. Luckily I have the best metabolism ever. I need to name my Cabinet. I’m going to make Ivanka secretary of state. And Tiffany will be over at Defense. Keep it in the family. Since my boys are so into wildlife, I’ll put them over at Interior, where they can endanger a few species. Rudy, Newt and Chris can fight over the scraps.

“My temperament is so perfect for this job. The greatest temperament in the history of temperaments because you go through pressure and you have to be able to handle pressure. The brouhaha over whether I was a nut job was so unfair. It got so big that Dr. Phil and Dr. Drew were both on TV analyzing my so-called narcissistic personality disorder.

“They said this happens when megalomania and a sense of omnipotence, which are normal in childhood, are carried over into adulthood. They said the symptoms are an excessive need for admiration, a lack of empathy for others’ feelings, an obsession with achieving power and success, and the desire to take advantage of people around you.

“Does that even sound remotely like me? Not a chance. Sounds more like Bill Clinton and Ted Cruz.

“The madness over my madness reached its peak in August, when Congress raced back from its break to pass legislation requiring presidential candidates to pass a psychiatric exam. That Republican Benedict Arnold, Jeff Flake, was the main sponsor, so it ended up being called the Flake Act. Ha-ha-ha.

“Congress couldn’t find a way to get money to fight Zika but they found a way to force me to take a Rorschach test. I passed with flying colors. Best score ever. I told those Freudians that all the ink blots looked like the way America used to be.”

He clicks on the overhead TV set and quickly turns it off in disgust.

“The Clinton News Network and MSNBC and the failing New York Times are so biased, you’d think that Hillary won the presidency. She’s still all over the news.

“Crooked Hillary got so full of herself and overconfident that she even pulled out of states like Virginia and Colorado in August, when I hadn’t even really started my campaign yet.

“My family and friends were worried about me when the polls nose-dived in August. They thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it without lashing out or dropping out. And they worried that my brand would go from Winning to Losing. But I knew those polls were rigged. The poorly educated angry white people still flocked to my rallies, and I knew they would carry me through.

“It was a long, hot summer. But I was finally able to make the case to the voters that they had the wrong fruitcake. I wasn’t bonkers. Hillary was. She cannot handle pressure. I handle pressure. She’s a very angry person. She’s such an angry white person, she should be one of my supporters. I don’t know why she’s always grinning when I turn on the TV. And she’s practically stalking me. Every time I see her lately, she’s pictured around the White House. I should tell the Secret Service to get her tossed.”

The door opens. Trump looks up, expecting Mike Pence.

But it’s two orderlies in white coats collecting the ex-presidential candidate, who lost in a landslide to Hillary after spending the fall being treated at Bellevue under the provisions of the Flake Act. After all the cries of “Lock her up!” it turned out he was the one who got locked up.

“Mr. Trump, it’s time for your impulse-control/delusion-reduction therapy,” one orderly says soothingly. “We need to go early. It would be crazy to miss the swearing-in today of Madam President.”

This story was originally published August 11, 2016 at 5:07 PM with the headline "Crazy about the presidency."