Best-selling authors offer 3 tips for a happy relationship

The thought of a “Fight Night” conjures images of rivals duking it out in the ring rather than popping the question with one.

But Les Parrott, a clinical psychologist, and Leslie Parrott, a marriage and family therapist, are changing the meaning behind the phrase and delivering a hearty dose of relationship advice Valentine’s Day weekend in Columbia.

The New York Times best-selling authors are a real-life married couple going on 32 years whose works include several books, helping develop eHarmony.com and founding the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University.

Fight Night is designed as a date night for couples delivering honest relationship advice in a lighthearted and fun way while delving into why couples fight and tactics for how to fight with someone you love.

Go Columbia chatted with Les Parrott about what it means to “fight well” and tips for a happy relationship

Q. You say couples can learn to “fight well.” What do you mean?

A. There’s a big difference between a good fight and a bad fight. … A good fight, in the end, will bring you closer together, whereas a bad fight is just the opposite. We wrote a book called “The Good Fight.” In it, we actually go through about a dozen distinctions between a good fight and and a bad fight. That’s the big premise. When we do our live event … our intention is to show the audience that conflict is actually the price we pay for deeper intimacy. If you know how to fight a good fight, it’ll bring you closer.

Q. Are you saying that couples shouldn’t avoid fights? Or are they inevitable?

A. The goal is not to avoid conflict. That is inevitable. It doesn’t matter how loving you are, we all have fights. It can be about little things or bigger issues, but conflict is just inevitable. It’s how you handle it. In a good fight, we’re trying to resolve the conflict. In a bad fight, we’re trying to win the conflict. The emphasis in a bad fight is usually on the two personalities involved and the power struggle, whereas in a good fight, it’s focused on the issues. We go through distinctions like that. In a bad fight, you tend to belittle each other. In a good fight, we’re respectful of one another.

Q. What are some basic tactics that people who fight well deploy?

A. There’s actually a mountain of research in this area on conflict and marriage. … We’ll talk that evening about the C.O.R.E of a good fight. … Things like a cooperative spirit (C), ownership (for O) – you’ve got to own your piece of the pie and it helps you avoid the blame game; respect (R); and finally, empathy (E). The good news is you don’t have to do all four of those. They’re pretty contagious. They’re kind of connected by an invisible string. If you pull one off the shelf, the rest of them will soon follow.

Q. Fight Night is focused toward couples, but can singles come and learn anything from this event, as well?

A. For sure. This is for any age or state. Most people are in a couple … but we always have single adults who just want to be on the cutting edge of knowing these types of skills for when they are in those relationships.

Q. You’re coming to Columbia right before Valentine’s Day. Can you think of three basic relationship tips you think are important for people to keep in mind?

A. The first tip is get a handle on how to have a good fight. It’s paramount. Your marriage won’t survive without it. Second, get a handle on your time styles. Time is one of the biggest frustration points in every marital relationship. … Time can really suck the joy out of your relationship if you don’t manage it well. Years ago, Leslie and I wrote a book called “Your Time-starved Marriage.” We wrote that for ourselves. The third tip I would have is raise your level of awareness about your two unique personalities (through personality assessments). … If you avail yourself to some kind of tool like that, it can really take you a long way.

Q. You and your wife have busy schedules that include touring around the country, but how do you keep the fire alive in your marriage?

A. Really taking your own medicine. There are things we continually work on. It’s a lifelong project, basically putting ourselves in each other’s shoes. The more you do that, the easier life is. … It’s more than managing conflict. It’s about bringing your spirits together. So empathy is a big one for us. Whenever you empathize, you’re just more attune to your partner’s needs and how to meet those needs.

Jane Moon Dail, jdail@thestate.com

This story was originally published February 9, 2016 at 5:29 PM with the headline "Best-selling authors offer 3 tips for a happy relationship."