Judge Tanya Gee’s note to friends
The note that S.C. Circuit Court Judge Tanya Gee wrote to her friends Sunday morning.
Dear friends:
Today, I write you with news that I wish were not true, but that I was not surprised to hear after experiencing weeks of pain and constant bad news from doctors. I write to you a concession speech. The cancer has won, and I am going home to Columbia into hospice care to live out the remainder of my life as pain-free and happily as possible.
The doctors do not know how long that life will be for me, but we do know that the cancer has become much more aggressive than ever. In just two weeks' time, my lungs that were clear now have four lesions, and I've had to have surgery to insert a drain because so much fluid has built up, causing me to wheeze, gasp, and cough while breathing. I also have a tumor in my heart. That may have caused me to have a fainting/seizure episode the other day, which scared the bejesus out of Chris. I am paralyzed from the waist down. Having experienced all of this, it really was no surprise to hear my doctor say that there's really nothing more they can do. We're probably looking at about 3-6 months.
We all die, right? And we all know we're going to die someday. That's part of living. Perhaps it's because of this that I feel strangely calm about knowing that it will be cancer that kills me. I have many nights in the hospital room to reflect on life and death, and I tell you truly that I am not scared to die. I do feel a sense of guilt that I have let my body betray me and I will cause other people sadness. My children, my parents, my husband, and my dear friends will cry, and wonder, and question their faith. I wish that I were able to make everyone feel as calm as I do. I am damn proud of the life I lived, the children I have, the husband I married, and the circle of friends I leave behind. I hate that I'm leaving the party early, but am awed by being on the brink of taking the next step which we all should be looking forward to.
Chris and I learned all of this news on Friday, and on Saturday morning, we told the kids. What a surreal conversation to have. Sabin cried and asked a lot of questions. Will wrung his hands and worried, and then did his best to cheer Chris and me up. We hugged a lot and tried to reassure each other. When I am in hospice, I will have a hospital bed in our family room, and I plan to love on them as much as possible and for as long as possible. They said they wanted to do the same, and so really, how can I not feel proud and calm right now?
Telling my parents and sister was harder. I need all of your help to console them. Our nuclear family is so very close, and I can't imagine saying goodbye to any of them (or to Chris, Will, and Sabin), so I have a sense of how hard this is. Luckily, we have time to say those goodbyes.
Writing this update is also difficult. I always talk about cancer using terms like "fight," "kicking ass," and "winning." I don't like conceding that I have lost the fight because I don't feel like a loser right now. I feel like I have one last battle in front of me, and that is to die well. That's a battle I pledge to win.
With all my love,
Tanya
This story was originally published September 28, 2016 at 6:07 PM with the headline "Judge Tanya Gee’s note to friends."